Coming Clean

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A few weeks ago I told my story to a former co-worker of my husband and his work wife/other woman.  We used to talk a lot when she worked for my husband but haven’t really been an any sort of direct contact for almost a year since she left his office.  We are FB friends.  Her former boyfriend is installing new windows in my house.  So….  I guess I we have a few ways to communicate but not really.

I’ve been struggling with the fact that neither him or HER have ever dealt with the professional consequences of their affair.  I was and am so tired of protecting him from that pain and humiliation of such an act.  He doesn’t think anyone knows, but they’ve all suspected.  He has a HUGE awe of self issue and his image is everything.  He’s portrayed himself as a man of integrity and his work is top notch.  This definitely puts a dent in that image.  But it’s not my fault.  I didn’t make that choice.  He did.  I have no intention of doing any more damage then what is already done.  But the fact of the matter remains, it will get out.  It will be made known.  I can hardly stand the hiding and walking on eggshells.  It’s exhausting.  And for what??  He moved out.  He left.  He wants a divorce.  All his choices. How does all of this stay a secret??

He doesn’t want it all to be made known but it is.  It’s out there.  Nothing more to do then just move on.  I think the best part of it all will be SHE will finally see his reaction to their affair to others.  She is still trying to wait it out to make her move with him.  He doesn’t want anything to do with it.  But he’ll never tell her that because she does a lot of work for him.  If he disrupts that thought she might do all of this work and he’ll loose a big part of the firm income.  Well….  sorry.  I’m not sorry.  He’ll be on to bigger and better things when she’s finally out the door. It’s a fact.  Jack.

 

Prayers for My Broken Marriage

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I’ve been quiet about his affair.  Up until recently, only a very few close friends knew the whole story.  I was too ashamed.  My pride was too high to let anyone know I was “second choice” (though, he says that is not how he would describe that).  She’s a freaking wreck for God’s sake.  She’s messed up in every definition of the word.  There is only one way to beat crazy and that is the let crazy beat herself.  She’s winning 😉

I’m tired.  Tired of living behind this secret in the midst of our separation.

I don’t need to tell people to gain friends.  Because, honestly, if an affair makes you my friend, I don’t want to be friends.  I don’t want to hurt anyone.  Well, that’s not true… I would love to inflict every ounce of pain to her mostly.  But he needs it too.  (Secretly that kills me.  I see his hurt.  I don’t want him to hurt any more.)  He’s never felt the professional consequences of this, only the personal.  And to be honest, I think the professional is worse for him.

I’ve made it known.  I cried typing the words to a mutual friend and former co-worker of his.  But I did it.  I knew she would blab it all over the legal community within weeks.  I knew she was the conduit to make it all known and start us on the road to finality.

I wasn’t prepared to hear what the greater professional community had to say.  Of course they know “her” and they are not surprised because she’s a master manipulator and her divorce is a gossip item (she doesn’t want to pay her ex-husband a dime.)  Her reputation and the news of the affair are of no surprise.  The affair with my husband, a very well respected man of integrity in the community… well….  that’s another story.  He’s a bit vane so for some it’s hilarious that HE is just as low as the rest of them (because up until this I only knew of one lawyer that did not sleep around).  Now he’s among the ranks of the rest of the pigs around here.  To others they are in utter shock because of “her” reputation and how little respect she actually has within the community.

Yet, I continue to pray for the reunion of my family.  Why?  Because I fully believe that is how God created us.  I fully believe that is God’s way.  Marriage. Work through your shit and remain whole.  Separation????  Yes, that is necessary sometimes and it’s OK.  But to divorce in this situation doesn’t seem biblical.

I realize the bible excuses divorce in the instance of adultery.  But…  I don’t feel as though I can use this excuse as he is very remorseful and to a large extent redemptive.  However…  he has an awe of self problem and his addiction to financial security prevent us from being together.  I feel, as a wife, I am required to stand by him and honor and respect him no matter what.  He’s asked for God’s forgiveness and whether I like it or not, he’s going to get it.  That’s the wonderful gift of God’s mercy.  So I feel it is also my part to honor that gift he received and work to move on.  With him. And the kids.  As a family.  What I don’t know, is if protecting him is/was right or wrong?  I think to be fully made new we need to make known the entire deal….  the affair.  Also, that seems to be a friendship gauge so that’s good to know!!  But really, it matters little, what I WANT to do.  If I am going to live according to God’s will I need to do what Jesus would do and forgive him, allow God’s gift of mercy and grace and move on.  Separate if he’s unwilling to live according to the word and pray and pray and pray.  Pray God opens is eyes and heart to accept that gift and to feel the honor and respect I am giving him.

He’s not happy with it.  He doesn’t feel he deserves it.  But he gets it whether he wants it or not.  It’s a gift and it’s already his.  He tells me to do whatever is right for me.  My response is always the same, “I will do what is required in the bible and I will fulfill my duties as a wife until the day I’m no longer a wife.” And I’m sure if I know me, that won’t stop me from being a wife.  I can be a real sadistical bitch when my head brings me back to 2014/2015 but I am getting pretty good at praying before any major interactions.  I will always revert to being a wife.  But a good wife this time.

 

 

Just Living

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It’s been a long time my friends.  A really. long. time.  I spent almost one year living with my husband post affair confession.  We separated.  He moved out.  Mostly because I just could not get over him not removing her from his office.  He runs the place.  He has the power to do it.  He did try.  She didn’t leave.  He refuses to deal with it.  He says it couldn’t be more over.  He regrets the entire thing.  He feels nothing for her.  She brings in some business and does her job really well.  That’s all he cares about.  He just wants to move on & run his business the way he wants without regard for our relationship.  She’s still a snake.  Her husband is divorcing her.  She never told him about having to get a different job.  He actually called me one day and now we actually work on the same floor at the hospital.  Odd…. But anyway, he told me of the really good jobs she passed up to stay in my husband’s office.  So, yeah, we separated.  Told the kids. Destroyed their lives.  And here I am.

Three weeks ago he told me he’s so happy with his new arrangements that he wants a divorce so I can move on to someone better.  He says I have so much to offer someone that I deserve to be with someone who can appreciate me.

I don’t even know what any of that means.  In the meantime my 8 year old daughter is destroyed to the point of not sleeping & having eating pattern changes.  She cries any time I mention that there are 4 of us now and not 5.  (Like when I request a table for 4 at a restaurant.)  My 6 year old son has turned into the kindergarten teacher’s nightmare.  My 2 year old only knows she has 2 houses and 2 beds.  She will never know what it is like to live in a house with a mom and a dad.

Money and power are evil tools of Satan.  I will post more about where I am as an individual and how I am handling all of the above.  I’ve had an incredible transformation and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Real Love and Loving Enough

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Today was filled with so much anxiety, I hardly had control of myself.

I told him if he didn’t set a date, I would.  I said I was done with his dependence on her and the stress it puts on my body and everything else relating to her.  There is no good reason for her existence in our life and if he is too scared to do anything about it, well, I’m going to.

We’ve been getting along great since that awful and horribly sad conversation.  He’s trying.  Really trying.  One night while I was out with the kids attending one of their events, he was home.  He folded all of the laundry and put it all away.  Or at least all that he knew where it went.  That has never happened.  He’s helped with dishes and clean up and everything in between.  He’s said thank you to me and has verbally told me he appreciates what I do for him.  This was very important to me.  While up at deer camp with his best USMC friend and his father, he called me by name and thanked me for making dinner and all of their food for the week. In front of everyone.  Again, never happened before.  I am caught so off guard it’s hard to hide it and almost hard to accept it.  But I do.  I let him know.

After telling him that I love him enough.  I do.  I love him enough to continue to love him each day.  It’s not a country music song.  It’s not some passionate, sexy rock ballad.  It’s the freakin’ real love that is felt by honest emotions.  It sucks as much as it’s beautiful.  It’s the farthest thing from perfect love.  Most days it feels like the worst love I could possibly have.  It hurts worse than anything I’ve every experienced.  But I guess that is what makes it real.  If it didn’t hurt as much as it feels good, it wouldn’t be real.

And I ponder all of this as I continue to fight God every day.  Asking if this is indeed the right way to go.  Every day that I’ve asked, every day it seems to be.  i want so much to be rid of the cancer that she is.  I want it mostly because it’s the right thing to do.  But a giant part of me wants to give in again.  It’s easier that way.  Not for me.  But for him.  I wonder if that is why I’m being called to continue.  It’s so hard.  It’s so hard to have him try so hard and it be over shadowed by this dependence on her to do work.  F’n work.  There is no value for my family.  I can’t put a price on us.  Having her there means there is a price tag and we are purchased by her.  I just can’t do it.

Until then….  I’m going to love him enough.  I tell him that.  When I say I love you, it means I love you enough for all of the reasons I’ve already told you.  It means no more right now and no less.  And it’s enough for me.  So I tell him I love him.  And he tells me he loves me too.  But mostly because I understand what that love is for him.  It’s not a fairy tale love like he fears it needs to be.  It’s enough love and that’s enough for right now.

Getting Rid of Her

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Yep.  I’m doing it.  The pain of dealing with her smug ass still in that office is too much to bare.  That and now he’s so over worked that he needs her there to do the work for a while yet as he can’t keep up.  He’s moved her to the basement instead of being right next to him.  He’s said he is far passed that relationship and it’s the biggest mistake he’s ever made.  He’s asked her to stop coming into his office to use his stuff.  He has to communicate with her for work but says it is never beyond that.  I trust him.  I really do.  But it’s her.  She is making herself cozy over there because now she knows he needs her help.  Yep…..  my life is dependent upon her.  I don’t think so.  I don’t care how much I need to work to make ends meet.  I’ll be damned if her smiling shit face is going to be needed by my family.  End of the year.  She goes or I go.  Clients or no clients.  It’s been 8 damn months since she was asked to find a new job.  She’s had 1 interview.  One.

Inspiring Words

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It’s rare that I go looking for quotes or phrases.  I usually just come across them.  Some I just like.  Some are helpful and inspiring.  Some make me thing.  All have struck a chord in some manner.  Enjoy!

“Life is hard.  The truth is, what your spouse does may very well irritate you until the day you die.  The good part is:  you die.” ~Mark Gunger

“People who constantly avoid conflict are the very people who seem to always face it.” ~Mark Gunger

“You can work hard on your marriage, but not work smart.  When you don’t work smart, your efforts can actually make things worse.” (not sure there was a name attached to this one)

“As subversive as it sounds to people, romantic feelings are nowhere near central to, or critical for a happy marriage. ~Mark Gunger

“If everywhere you look there is a problem.  Guess what?”

“Ladies…. Just in case you are confused.  God will never send you someone else’s husband.”  (obviously this goes both ways!!!)

“Just because your pain is understandable, doesn’t mean your behavior is acceptable. ~ Dr. Steve Maraboli

“Men make terrible girlfriends.” ~Mark Gunger

“If you are controlled or governed by your fickle feelings, you are setting yourself up for a rough ride.” ~Mark Gunger

I Love You Enough

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I love you enough.
It might not be full of lust or passion.  I don’t love every part of you.  But I love you enough that those things can take time to work through.

I love you enough to push & challenge us both even if it sucks.

I love you enough to consider it a blessing.

I love you enough to be with you moment by moment.

I love you enough to let you be you…. even the parts I don’t like or understand.

It’s because I have a strong faith that I am put here, with you, still… for a reason that only the good Lord knows.  And while it’s harder some days than others, I continue to trust whatever he sees now that I don’t will be worth it.

So when I say ‘I love you’ it’s all of the above.
I love you.  ♡ wife

I Have Dreams, Too

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Last night my oldest daughter (almost 8) was talking about how it’s sometimes hard to fall asleep.  She says her brain just won’t shut off.  Naturally I asked what she thinks about and I was shocked by what she said.  “Mom, I think about the future.  I think about what I can do when I grow up and what my passions are.  I think about the places you talk about taking me.  I think about the fun I will have…..” and she went on for a while.  I was thrilled to hear her little curious mind is exploring these concepts.  I told my husband about it when he got home.  He never said a whole lot about it but thought it was encouraging that she’s on a good healthy path right now and the young age of almost 8.

We are in the unknown place yet.  He has major decisions to make in the next few months that greatly impact our family.  I’ve asked to discuss them and he just blows it off.  He’s going to be gone for the better part of the next month.  By choice.  I’m not real thrilled but it’s what he wants to do.  His office is in shambles and he complains non-stop about how he has nothing and no one to count on there.  Yet it appears he doesn’t do anything about it.  I asked this morning for a time to discuss our future as it pertains to our professional goals as I said I don’t know what his are and I have some of my own and you know…. family’s, husbands, wives, couples…..  you know they sort of need to talk about this stuff so everyone is working together towards a common goal.  It doesn’t pay for us to be running in opposite directions right?!?!???

I mentioned that I needed to restart my professional life again.  He said it was a good idea but never once asked what I wanted to do.  Never once asked about it, mentioned it or anything.  Just completely blew it off.

I can’t tell if I’m more sad, disappointed or angry right now.  Everything I do has his best interests in mind.  Every damn thing.  Need I remind you that HE is the one who had the affair. HE is the one who risked everything for nothing but himself.

I was once an almost 8 year old girl, laying in bed at night and dreaming of what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I hope my daughters are much stronger and have a better sense of who they are before they find a man they want to call their husband.  I want them to be able to stand on their own two feet and go after their dreams and not become the dumping ground for whatever is thrown at them.  It’s such a hard place to pull yourself from.  I’m working on it.  I still have dreams I want to chase.

Middle Mess: Part 2 of x

My head is such a mess.

I hate being stuck in the middle mess.  Try as I may to just let it all go and roll with the tide…  ugh.

The husband and I are doing OK at best.  We did lunch on Wednesday and it was bland.  Forced.  My ovarian cysts are exploding these days so I am in a lot of pain & quite miserable to be around so it’s no wonder I don’t feel the love.  At all.

Yesterday I started feeling better.  I actually ran in the morning and after the babes was down for a nap I took a shower.  The husband got home earlier than I expected.  He took a quick shower to get out to the woods to hunt.  Turns out we both decided it was the perfect time to physically connect.  It was sort of just sex for the most part.  He’s getting more into it and so am I.  It just takes time and the right circumstances.  Either way it was just what I needed to keep going.  Not real sure about him.

Today I feel better.  I have a lot of stuff to talk about with him over a few glasses of wine so I’m excited for tonight.  I just sort of want to keep the ball rolling in the right direction.  I know something will always come up and try and knock us off course.   Just trying to plow through this middle mess yet.

Just What I Needed

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The support this man gives me in my time of need is completely amazing.  A simple text and I am in tears.  My heart will be hurting from indecision and emotional abandonment and out of nowhere he steps in.

I think a lot about the people I find myself having relationships with.  Relationships that hold meaning and purpose.  The lady that watches the kids at the grocery store.  The nurse in my doctors office.  My doctor, himself.  An old co-worker that I barely talked to while we worked together.  All of these seemingly random people are all connected to me through different ways but have such a tremendous impact on my life.  I’ve never once sought after so much as a friendship with any of them, yet all are in my corner during this most difficult time and for all different reasons.  Furthermore, I find myself wondering how life would be more difficult without them.  I think it’s why you just have to be kind to everyone.  God walks them into your life and makes your paths cross for a reason.

A few weeks back I sent him a text stating that we are about to make some big decisions in our marriage and asked if his prayer list had an opening for me.  His response, “Always”.  That’s it.  That was all I needed.

Last night making dinner.  One our entire family was excited about.  I heard the message hit my phone but didn’t bother to check it until after we were done.  “I just wanted to let you know that you and [husband] are in my prayers.”  I was thinking all day how stressed I was from my father and my marriage.  I have some health issues that flare with stress and they are getting worse.  I was wondering how much more my body was going to be able to take.  And then I get this, “I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle.  I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much.” ~Mother Tereasa   My point exactly, sir.