, , , , , ,

I read an article recently (and I can’t even find it now to post a link to it) that was incredibly inspiring…. but in an odd sort of way.  I also listened in on a conversation my husband had with a friend who was having relationship issues.  Again, incredibly inspiring in a very odd sort of way.

I live the most reactionary life.  I’ve been holding on to things that are worthless to hold on to & bypassing the moments I’ve been waiting for all of my life.  I literally cried when I realized this.  Damn it!!  I’ve been fighting the same fires day in and day out hoping that one day they will cease to exist.  (Insanity anyone?!)  I’ve been resenting people & past events for no reason & it’s been weight on my shoulders that I didn’t even know existed.  I dreamed of having this life one day & failed to realize it’s been here for a while & I’ve been missing out on it.  Damn it!!  (Cue the tears)

I hold the worst & highest expectations for myself.  It’s laughable really.  It’s no wonder I’m so disappointed all of the time!  I live any where but the present.  If I’m not thinking about “what might have been”, I’m thinking about what I’m going to do next.  Meanwhile my incredible family is tugging at my pants & shouting in my face because they just want me to know that they exist.

I spent this past week living in the moment & preparing myself for our next best adventure.  I’ve let go of past events that really don’t matter.  One of them being an event at my wedding…  it was the biggest day of my life to that point & my husband “ruined it”.  It’s been years since that event; he’s more then apologized for it & has shown he’s incredibly sorry.  But I’ve secretly never forgiven him for it.  To me he ruined a day I will never, ever get back.  (But isn’t that true for every day?!)  Let’s be honest for a minute, he didn’t ruin the entire day, just the end.   Back to my point….  There is nothing left for him to do or say so it’s been up to me for all of these years to decide what I’m going to do with it.  I’ve decided to hold on to the resentment & hate him for it up until this week.  You have no idea the weight that has lifted off of my shoulders.  I haven’t told him this because if he knew how long I’ve held on to this, he’d probably freak!!  He just notices the difference & that’s what matters the most 🙂

I’ve been working on my to-do list with a section at a time & doing my best to actually complete something.  I am the biggest culprit of starting 1000 things and not finishing ANY of them.  I’ve accomplished SOOOOO much that I’m starting to scare myself.  (There are no longer piles of mail & misc items on my message center or kitchen island!!)  My laundry is manageable and we are no longer living out of laundry baskets.

My biggest hurdle of all…. spending money on organizational items and actually pulling the trigger on decor items for the house.  I always think I can find a cheaper way OR I’ll make something myself.  Who am I kidding?  I am soooo my father’s daughter & will spend a dime to save a nickel.  It’s so dumb & I drive myself crazy.  But this week I changed that.  I went shopping, spent probably way too much money (but I seriously kicked ass on the deals, no kidding!  I may have spent some change but I still refused to buy anything that wasn’t on clearance!)  but I got so much stuff this house desperately needed AND I got over half of it up and/or put away.  This has never happened in the history of the world for me.  It’s incredibly fulfilling that I can’t believe it.  I don’t think I’ll be able to do it again for  a very long time but it was fun!

Through all of this my family has been amazing!  I’ve never enjoyed my kids & husband more then I have this week.  I hope this feeling isn’t short lived because we’ve had the greatest week.  However, even if it is half as great, it will still be incredible.  I’ve been waiting to have a house of my own to decorate since I can’t remember when.  I’ve been waiting for the day when I had my own kids to cuddle, teach & mold for probably even longer.  These “things” have been in front of me for some time & the moments I’ve been waiting for have been coming and going.  It makes me most sad about the moments that are gone & the moments I’ve missed living in the past & trying to control the future.

Any other day I would spend my “free time” thinking about why I’ve been missing these moments & how and what I’m going to change to take advantage of my future.  But this day it’s different…. I’m not thinking about this.  I’ve let it all go.  Today my free time is spent enjoying my “me time”.  It’s never very long; 15 mins is about it.  But it’s mine.  I put everything aside for 15 min & reflect on the good things.  Any other day I would have been trying to figure out what I could to differently to be happy.  Today, I’ve decided that I’ll stop trying to create happiness & let the moments happens as they may.  Sure, we have rough days.  We have days where I really want to throw in the towel & scream at the top of my lungs.  But the most fabulous days out number those days so…. piss off Lou!

For me the past is gone.  I loved it and I hate it.  I’ve let go of the hate & regrets, sent out the forgiveness and moved on to the present.  And it’s fabulous here!