There are many things going through my mind these days. I’ve not had any time to get them out; which is probably why I feel so clouded with emotions. I apologize in advance if this is random, scattered and whatever else would describe this!
I’ve consumed by the Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy. I’m about a quarter of the way through book three and I think I just need a break from all of “that”. (For those of you who have not read it, I won’t spoil it but check it out for sure!!) I find these books fascinating because I feel as though I know these people in real life. As do most people because they are so well written. Anyway, so that’s where I’ve been; cuddled up with my Kindle most nights and everywhere in between during the day so I can finish these damn books and get on with my life!!
Alone. I’ve posted recently about divorce and how I have so many friends divorcing for so many odd reasons. I have one friend in particular divorcing her husband because he doesn’t spend any time with her. She says she does everything alone anyway so why not make it legit. I’ve spent a good deal of time thinking about this and wondering how she can do this to her family over something seemingly so trivial. So adolescent. Can’t she just talk to him and figure out where the problem lies and fix it? Can they go to therapy? I have visions of their two small children wondering why Daddy has to live in a hotel until he finds a new home. I think of their young minds forming logic for the events that are transpiring. I think about how different their perception will be to love, marriage, mommy and daddy. Family is a mixed emotion now.
My situation… I feel alone. Over the past three weeks I feel as though I’m it in this marriage. The husband has been working non-stop. 85 hours/week average. I’m not at my breaking point with the kids and holding that responsibility. I’m at my breaking point with summer fun and always doing everything myself with the kids. I want them to have these fun memories of our FAMILY. On a few occasions he’s actually come with but it’s because the kids have begged him. He was nothing pleasant to be around. I know how hard he works and he just wants to stay home and relax. I’m not asking him to do something every day/night it might be once/month. So can he just pull it together for a few hours and humor me? The answer is NO. He’s so short with us most times that we wish we would have never asked him to come with. I’m embarrassed with this situation and know for a fact it gets discussed behind our backs. I can only imagine what I’d think if I witnessed our “family” during one of these times.
Recently my daughter drew a picture of a fun memory she had and did not draw in Daddy. He asked her why and she told him its because he wasn’t there. This didn’t particularly phase him. I wanted to cry. The kids adore their father and they cry easily if they disappoint him. He is the best Dad when he wants to be.
We had a long car ride today and it started with an argument about what needed to be done when we got home. I needed to head to a meeting for a few hours (which we all knew about for weeks now) and he wanted to workout and had to go to his office for an hour or so. I thought we had this worked out but last minute he gets upset that he has to watch the kids while I’m in a meeting. I had childcare arranged but he said to cancel it. He gets upset because he thinks my meeting is “dumb and not important”. It was important to me. Reluctantly he agrees to continue taking care of the kids for the late morning/afternoon. Hard job… unload the car, throw a sandwich at them and put them down for naps. They practically do it themselves. Whatever…. the point is. I’m alone.
All of those thoughts of friend divorcing her husband because he doesn’t do anything for her. Is this what it’s like? Are these the feelings she gets and what’s driven her to divorce? I cry thinking about it. No body notices even though we are all packed in a car for the next two hours. I’m terrified this is what she feels like. I didn’t get married just to have someone to procreate with. I married him because I wanted him as my partner in life. In all things. And in all things he’s agreed. So why am I alone in most of the things I do?