I don’t think I’ve hit rock bottom yet but I can imagine that I’m somewhere suspended just above it. Some days it seems like it might only but a few feet and others I think I’m brought back up some place in the middle.
I’ve had a LOT of time to think about anything and everything lately. I lay awake most of the night with my brain on over drive trying to sort out my feelings for the day/week/year/life. There is just so much in there yet that I can’t get them all sorted into the right bins, so to speak.
I’m a happy person. Really, I am. I probably don’t play one on here because this is my only out right now. I’m too embarrassed to have these discussions with people who know me. I don’t want to be judged. It’s just lately I’m not happy only when I think of my relationship with my husband. My marriage. It sucks. Right now I’m still in the “We don’t throw things away when they are broken, we fix them.” frame of mind. I don’t quite think of us as disposable yet. But part of me is starting, just starting, to think we might be. It’s a thought I ran away from as soon as it entered into my head. I don’t do disposable relationships. There are two people whom I’ve ever been close to that I no longer speak to or see. They were both overwhelming individuals and they smothered me to no end that I had to cut all ties. Anyway – I just don’t do this well.
I’m having a hard time pretending that I’m OK with how things are. I’ve tried to convince myself that this is OK and as long as the kids and I are taken care of and the kids are happy. But it’s not. It’s not enough. I’m so happy when I’m with the kids, watching them play, learn, interact with their friends. But it’s not enough. At the end of the day I’m stuck feeling lost and alone. I have friends that I do things with some times and it’s always them, their kids and their husband. I’m usually the only one with just me and the kids. No husband. There is rarely a good reason other then he just doesn’t want to do what we do or he’s too busy or has had a very long, stressful week. I’ve let this slide for so long but no longer. I’m now the nagging wife that is dragging his miserable, embarrassing ass along with us. This makes me feel worse.
I look on FB at my friends and the pictures of their kids at summer parties with friends and family enjoying the fun and savoring every moment… but my kids don’t get that. My kids get a crabby dad that makes them feel sad when they aren’t acting like perfect, military school, boarded kids. They get a Mom who is pretending to enjoy herself all the while soul searching for something more. This isn’t right.
I have friends who have pictures of them and their husbands, laughing, hanging out with other friends, having fun. I have nothing. Aside from wedding pictures, I have one, maybe.
We are rarely ever invited to do anything with people (weddings/birthdays aside), including my own family because they feel like it’s such a bother for our FAMILY to attend. Even my husband asked why my brother doesn’t invite us to go camping or over for their annual Halloween party…. why do you think?? You intimidate people with your crabby, I’m all too important attitude. Who wants to have fun with that guy? Not me.
It seems as though I hang out with the “trash” of the universe b/c my friend’s aren’t doctors, lawyers or well-off people, nor are they spouses of them. They were never in the military, much less the USMC. Let it be known I am EXTREMELY PROUD of him for all of his accomplishments as it takes a very noble and honorable person do to each and every one of them. And I see this side of him when he is with those types of people. Apparently the common folk aren’t deserving of his valor. Sometimes it feels like that includes me.