I had an interesting conversation with my brother tonight. He’s just about finalized with his divorce from his third wife. He was married for 18 years or so. His first marriage lasted 9 months. They were too young but got married because they had a son together. His second marriage lasted 9 years I think. Maybe a few shorter, I don’t remember. His wife cheated on him, a lot. I won’t say it was an affair because they were mostly just f*ck buddies. We all thought his third time was a charm. But she wanted out this time, not him.
We’ve become really close with this last divorce as I seem to be the only one who can make sense to him. I don’t tell him what he wants to hear and I don’t put him down for what he does or doesn’t do. I let him talk and say what he needs to say and give him my two cents worth. I don’t give “advice” but I tell him what I think of the situation without sugar coating it.
Tonight he was telling me about all of his “relationships” with female friends that he has going on right now. He’s not actively dating anyone but he is going out with women and having fun. He’s talking to these women about his divorce and trying to find answers about why women do what they do. For example, his last wife left him because she says he didn’t pay any attention to her anymore. She tried to talk to him but apparently he just didn’t want to listen. He didn’t help out much around the house and she just got fed up with it. She started having her own fun with people she worked with and it turned out that some other guy started paying attention to her and so she decided she was done with my brother. Fine, whatever. Hell… understandable!!
What he doesn’t understand is all of these women he is talking to now are going through similar situations. They tell him they want to go out with him because their husband doesn’t pay attention to them anymore. The husband’s aren’t having their own affairs, they are just too comfortable in their marriages to put forth the effort (just like my brother). He says, “After so much time has gone by, I just didn’t think I needed to put that much effort into showing her that I love her. How doesn’t she know this by now?” His attitude on this has changed and he wishes he would have actually LISTENED to his soon to be ex-wife when she tried to talk to him about this countless times. He doesn’t blame her for wanting attention (although the way she is getting it now is not exactly the way to go about it), he blames himself for not listening. That’s a pretty honest step to take and I’m proud of him for owning it. I’m also happy that he’s talking to these women about it. Although they are contacting him for what seems like a booty call, at least he’s figuring out a little bit more about how relationships actually work. I don’t see him getting remarried but he’s too young to call it quits and be alone the rest of his life.
Yes, guys (girls, too) you do need to constantly show your husband/wife that you are still in love with them. These aren’t major acts that take weeks to plan out. They are simple little things that show that you are still interested. I know I don’t do this enough with my husband and he certainly doesn’t do it enough for me. But I can tell you that when I REALLY try and REALLY show that I am working on our marriage & he’s not far behind holding up his end of the bargain. I don’t mean to say it like it’s a “job” or some sort of contractual agreement we have, but we knew once the rings were on the fingers they were there for life and we were going to do our best to make it a happy journey. We’ve hit a few bumps (obviously) and have both done things were aren’t proud of. However, when it comes right down to it, we are still in love with each other are still able to sit down, discuss what we need to discuss without hate or distraction and logically think through the steps we need to take to get back on track. My brother is learning this, too and I hope he a woman that is willing to do the same for him.