I’m stuck in a whirlwind yet again. It’s like one storm passes and we are calm, enjoying the serenity of our surroundings, grieving over the destruction but looking ahead and moving on with purpose. And then another one hits and it’s much like the one before it, usually. Some are worse and some are hardly recognizable. But the aftermath is the same.
I’m still trying to get used to my new “job” and I am coming to terms with the fact that I am just not the right person for the job. I have had no training and I have no direction. I am just having a hard time getting into a routine, sticking to it and bettering myself. I just can’t seem to get it and provide myself with good direction. I have so many distractions right now. My husband completely can’t see it. Truth be told, the man can work in an airport and concentrate with a circus going on around him. I, however, need to be by myself with NOTHING around to distract me. I need to have my phone hidden, ringer off, laptop shoved out of sight, kids playing or napping and absolutely NO TV. I usually need to have some sort of music playing or the silence will get the better of me.
I’m also still in the lovely….. tww. Two week wait. It’s eating me alive. I swear. I temp every morning and chart everything there is possibly to chart so I can analyze the shit out of the fertility signs. I did this a few years back when TRYING to get pregnant with my son. I am going over those charts, comparing them to my most recent; trying to find some sort of pattern. It’s still too early to pee on a stick so I’ll sit here and stare at line graphs of temperatures instead…. it’s so not productive. I can dream up any “symptom” in the book and decide if that, in fact, is a pregnancy symptom. I do have one that I can’t seem to dream up or rather make go away….. when I’m pregnant I retain water like no other. It’s unhuman actually. Even the good doctor didn’t believe how bad it was (seeing as there were no underlying conditions to make it that way). I can pack on 5 lbs of water weight in a days time if I’m not paying attention. So naturally I drink a shit ton of water. When I’m pregnant I need to drink even more. I’ve magically packed on 4 lbs of it in the passed 3 days and there is no reason for it. And since I’ve documented every single f’n fertility sign I can say, without a doubt that if there was going to be implantation, it hasn’t happened yet. (Hence it being too early to POAS.) So here I wait. I wonder. Do I need to start looking at new vehicles so we can all fit in one? Do I need to prepare the kids bedrooms and rearrange them so the baby can have his/her own room until he or she can sleep through the night? Do I need to stop drinking?? (damn I hate to give up my wine at night!) Do I need to check the car seats for expiration dates and figure out what we need new of??
I’m also stuck in emotional hell because it’s not like we were trying to get pregnant; we just weren’t preventing. In my past experiences this has always taken about 2-3 months to complete. Cycles were never predictable going off of the dreaded pill so you really just needed to have sex every other day for an entire month to make it happen! I stopped the pill only a month ago and because of my “issues” and the fact that I’m usually a work widow its safe to say that there hasn’t been much action lately. Really…. what are the chances one of few occasions actually resulted in a sperm & egg rendezvous?! Ughhhhh…… So here I sit. I should have never started temping and analyzing again. I should have just been oblivious. But I really did want to give this whole “natural family planning” shit a try. Probably just another thing I’m just not good at.