I’m a firm believe in everything happens for a reason. I’m a Christian. I believe our path is already set and if we surrender ourselves to God and let him guide us, we’ll find that path.
I’ve been uneasy with some of the events in my life recently and have been struggling with the thoughts in my crazy head. I have Frank and although we don’t get to see each other very often he is still in my thoughts more than he should be. It’s mostly at night, when my husband is gone and I’m sitting in the big comfy chair (where he usually sits) and staring blankly at the computer screen. I spend a lot of time alone. Yes, I have my kids but they go to bed at 8pm. Now what? I have a million and ten things that I need to do but I’m lonely. I don’t want to do it. I want to talk to someone (adult preferably). I want to hear about his day and what he did. I want to discuss the latest news stories and how I’m finding out some of the Mom’s at the kid’s school are turning into giant bitches. I don’t want to call anyone during this time because I feel it’s a sacred time; the time I want to have. I think of Mr G more than I really should but I see him more then I really should, too. He’s a wonderful man and has a heart the size of Texas and it’s made of gold. We had the opportunity to chat quite a bit last week and it was good. In all honesty, we seem to be developing a great friendship and I’m seeing him less and less of a flirtatious, romantic McDreamy. Don’t get me wrong, those thoughts are still there but I don’t know…. can’t explain it really.
But this is really the problem that I’ve spent some time praying about. How or why do I have these thoughts about these men when I have NO intention of acting on them? I do not want to have some wild affair with them. But both Frank & Mr G do something for me that I can’t seem to shake. When I’m with Frank, we get lost in each other’s eyes, trying desperately to read each other’s thoughts and convey our own thoughts to each other without saying a word. We loose track of everything and everyone around us and form this little bubble that neither of us want to pop but time and people pop it for us anyway. It’s probably best we can’t see each other much because I really don’t trust myself around that man. He mesmerizes me and locks me in… I loose complete control. Mr G isn’t like that. He’s fun to play with and look at. I’ve been around him enough to know that while our conversations might turn to the dark side in a hurry… at least one of us will make sure the line in the sand is never crossed.
I’ve been praying and praying and praying for some sort of sign that choosing my husband, whole heartedly, is what I want. I love him. My heart loves him. My head usually loves him. Knowing all of this, you would think that there isn’t a decision. I just struggle with these thoughts. I struggle that these other men, more so Frank, are even allowed to enter that part of my brain or heart.
I believe I’ve received more signs letting me know that my husband is the one than I bargained for. Seemily odd events have transpired recently that are almost out of this world. I can’t ignore them or look passed them as a coincidence. I do believe this is the reassurance I’ve been looking for.
Although, I don’t think I’ll ever get Frank out of my head, I certainly feel more settled now.