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Another rough week is coming to an end.  Health wise I’m getting better.  It’s a much slower progress/process then I would like but it is what it is.  I’ve been diagnosed with Transverse Myelitis.  It’s an inflammation of the spinal cord. I got a virus and it launched its attack there.  There should be no lasting effects since it was treated very early and blasted with a high dose of steroids.  If you ask me, it’s already “lasting” but in the grand scheme of things, I’m very lucky to have only a small laundry list of issues from this.  A lot of people have very limited use of legs and bladder control….  I’m not even close to that.  So, yes, I’m counting my blessings 🙂

The husband and I had a stand-off yesterday.  He’s hit his annual holiday depression   I actually read an article on this recently because his behavior has been so… off.  He is working more and more and I question if it’s all necessary.  When he’s home he’s working out or trying to do more work.  When the kids act up or want his attention, he says he’s going to his office to get more done.  Or he’s going to work out because he’s so stressed.  I’m starting to think that his work is his crutch.  It’s his excuse.  The article described him to a tee.  It was scary actually.  It also gave suggestions on how to handle this because “real men” don’t get depression (right? That’s what they/he thinks.).  So I’ve been gentle with it.  I’ve asking more questions and trying to do more (really, I can’t do more.  I feel like crap and I feel I do way more then my fair share to begin with.  But that’s the monster I created and I realize that.)  I use a more calm approach when it comes dealing with his issues and I don’t get worked up over it.  This is suppose to make him more open to conversation about what he’s really thinking and what is really making him depressed.  Well, I’ll be damned but it worked.  He opened the flood gates yesterday and poured out emotions that I rarely see. He also was very critical of my situation and thinks that I use it as a crutch to not do as much.  I some how managed to not loose my cool and try and see what he sees.  I get it.  I do.  I know why he thinks of this.  But it’s only because I don’t let him into my world of pain.  I shield him from it because I don’t want to appear weak.  I don’t want to worry the kids.  I don’t want people feeling sorry for me because in reality, I was dealt a very mild case of this (remember the bladder issues and incapacitating issues of some people?).  I don’t feel I warrant any sympathy because there are others who are worse off with this.  Through all of that, I’m still dealing with it. I can’t think straight most of the time and my short term memory is far worse and it wasn’t that great to begin with.  I’m losing things all over the place.  I can’t seem to form any sort of “plan” to get through my day without having it written out and laid out ahead of time.  I forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it more often then not.  I’ve turned on the water in the kitchen sink to clean up the kitchen/random dishes and went outside to play with my kids for 20 min. It’s such random little things that happen but they are piling up and it’s starting to make me feel like I’m crazy.  He doesn’t see this.  He doesn’t see what I need to get done in a day to make this family functional when I’m not functional myself.  All he knows is that he needs to work and make money for us to live.  And when things at home are not done to his expectations (aka – the house should be sparkling, not lived in with laundry pressed and put away and the children eagerly awaiting his return with smiling, calm faces) he gets upset and doesn’t know why I can’t do it.

His depression is around that and he’s not where he wants to be in life right now.  It ALL has to do with money.  I’m not very good with it.  We should probably have some killer retirement plan right now but we don’t.  We should probably have 80% of our mortgages & land paid off but we don’t.  It’s my fault and I’m owning that.  But I’m pretty sure he could help take care of this stuff or at the very least help me come up with a plan to do it.  Instead of complaining that it’s not done.  

The stand off came when I decided I wasn’t going to own his mood.  I was happy to listen to him and very happy that he got all of his issues out in the open but it’s up to him to make his own changes.  I can’t do it.  I can’t do anymore then what I’m doing.  I will be there with him & support him but I can’t do it for him.  This of course upset him and I just let it go.  I have too many irons in the fire for this to upset me and take over my mind.  I feel that putting it all out here released it even more from my mind.  

This morning I awoke to the demands of what I need to do for the day.  I let him know my plan for the day included shoveling, laundry, ironing, present wrapping with a friend, teaching/play time with the kids and a hair appt.  I got an eye roll and kiss on the cheek as he walked out the door.  I can not be ordered around like his staff or a damn monkey….  at some point he’ll realize that.