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I’ve been there before.  Many times.  And now I’m back.  It took longer then I expected and that’s a good thing.  But I moved there out of nowhere.  It makes me think I should let it sit for a while to see if I’m really back that far.  

I’m not a needy wife.  Or at least I don’t think I am.  I try not to be if that counts for anything.  I do what I can to do everything I can ON MY OWN.  I stay at home with my kids and care for them.  My husband works a lot and is gone a lot.  I don’t complain about it, I do it and do the best for my kids as I can.  

That said, everyone wants to be “wanted” some times right?  Right?  RIGHT???  I think I’m wanted from my husband to be a mother.  We have kids, another on the way, and he wants me to be with them and enjoy them being little.  I do too.  I love my time with them because not everyone has this luxury.  I do not believe I’m wanted to be a wife.  I feel like all I am to him is the mother of our children.  I’m not his wife.  I’m not the love of his life.  I’m not someone thinks about during the day other then to wonder what I might be making for dinner or what I’m doing with the kids.  Or maybe if I’m cleaning the house or if I’m just playing on Facebook all day (which, btw, is what he thinks I do.  He’s told me this.).  I don’t think I cross his mind in any other fashion.  I think about him a lot.  There are certain events that happen during the day that sometimes I can’t wait for him to come home so I can tell him.  Or I’ll have an idea about something and he’s the first person I think of to talk about it with.  I can tell you with 99% certainty that other then the reasons listed above, my name, face or anything relating to it crosses his mind.  

Today was a fine example of why I just don’t feel the love….  it was his secretary’s birthday. She happens to be our sister-in-law as well.  Love her to death.  He bought her this balloon bouquet, a gift certificate to a spa and a bunch of fresh pastries for the office to celebrate.  This is very thoughtful.  I didn’t have to tell him to do any of it.  He came up with everything on his own, I only needed to direct him to the places to purchase everything.  Great!  She loved it.  I barely get a Happy Birthday, a card that we reuse every year (which, I love this b/c we both do it and it’s fun) and maybe a gift.  Maybe.  NOT the point.  I’d love any sort of affection.  But it’s just another day to him.  He’s made more of big deal out of this day then any other day and he does this for everyone in his office.  Why not me?  Why am I just the person that lives with him and is the mother to his kids?  

Another part of this is the fact that he doesn’t feel the need to let me know if he’s going to be late from work.  I don’t care about this when it’s for work.  But lately it’s because he takes everyone out for happy hour or a few of them meet out after work for a few drinks.  Now, again, not a big deal.  If it doesn’t happen all the time, who cares right?  Not me.  BUT how hard is it to let me know?  I NEVER get to spontaneously decide that I’m not coming home for dinner or that I want to go hang out with a few friends for an hour or so.  I understand that comes with being a Mom a parent and one that stays at home, at that.  But don’t take me for granted.  We were supposed to head out of town for the weekend.  Bad weather changed our plans.  He was planning on being home late afternoon today so we could leave.  Suddenly all afternoon I can’t get a hold of him (it wasn’t anything important anyway).  I wanted to head out for dinner with some family and waited for him to call back.  He never did and they went on without us.  About the time he normally would be home I get a text saying that he just received my messages and thought my dinner option of staying in what best and he would be home in 2 hours.  WTF?????  No explanation of what was going on or what his new plans were?  He calls me 2 hours later wanting to know if I’m upset b/c my reply was one word.  I asked what happened that he’s so late.  He decided to head out for a few drinks with friends.  I asked why he couldn’t just let me know because I wanted to make some plans with family and he never responded to me.  He said “this wasn’t planned, it just happened”  Really?  I asked why he couldn’t have sent a quick message or called on his way.  He didn’t have an answer.  He came home, tried to pretend that all was well.  No apology or anything.  

So here I sit. Pregnant.  Hormonal.  Upset because it’s all me AGAIN.  FML.  For once.  Once I like to feel that he thinks of me as a wife.