Last night was brutal. We had a very honest fight with words that needed to be said a many that could have gone unsaid. Sometimes it’s hard not to hold on to those words that are said in the heat of battle but probably aren’t really intentional. I do believe there is some truth to them because they are defensive words usually said as fast as they come to our mind. But again, we lose the ability to think about these words before they leave our mouth and therefore it’s best not to dwell on them too much.
I expressed my concern of his inability to let me know his schedule. I don’t need to know his every given move. But if he is going to be late or is going to make other plans after work, I’d like to know. How does he know I don’t have anything that needs to be done? Especially if it’s obvious I’ve been trying to get a hold of him all day?? He thinks it’s no big deal. He thinks that if he wants to take some coworkers out for happy hour once every few months, that it should be no big deal. He thinks I’m just upset because he’s out a bar having drinks. Nope. I’ve never been that wife when it comes to this sort of stuff. As long as I know what is going on…. ie – it’s 7pm, you have not returned any of my messages all day and I have something that I want us to do as a family and now I can’t get a hold of you. This is after you told me your afternoon was completely clear. WTF is going on?? But this is just an example. It’s like this for many things. Another example: It’s Wednesday morning and he’s up getting ready for work. I happen to get up b/c he’s making so much noise. I happen to ask what the deal is and he informs me he’s not coming home at night because he has to take clients out and doesn’t want to drive the 3 hours home after a few drinks. Oh…. well that would have been nice to know. When was this planned?? Days ago. Doesn’t bother to tell me. This is the kind of crap I can’t stand.
After that discussion I brought up the fact that I don’t feel married to the man. I asked point blank if he could honestly tell me that I cross his mind throughout the day. He called B.S. on that. He said I cross his mind a lot. Then I asked how many as his wife? He can’t count the times he thinks about me teaching the kids stuff or cleaning the house. He had nothing to say. He admitted that I don’t. He thought it was enough for him to be showing me how good of a Dad he was to our kids. (This is true. He’s become an incredible Dad and made giant steps in this area.) He thought it was enough to provide for us in a way I never thought possible. He thought/thinks I have no reason to be unhappy given all he has done for us. I was floored. I told him I felt trapped by him b/c I feel the same way. I feel I have no reason to be unhappy. I know so many friends who struggle to get by. Who are dependent upon that next paycheck to live. We are not that way but how many times have you heard that money can not buy happiness. I am miserable. I am happy to have the life I have but it means nothing if I’m in it alone. I told him I’d gladly give him up and this life if it meant I could be free of the guilt he puts on me about feeling how I do. I’ll do everything I can for the kids and for their well being but I can not let them have a miserable mother. I can not allow them to live like that, especially since they are so young. I sat there and cried like no other speaking these words to him and I just waited for him to speak. It took him forever. After some harsh words and the reconsidering what needed to be done he agreed that he was not in this marriage 100% either. And not by choice, but by chance. He wants to be a good husband. He wants to be a good father. He thought by being one, the other would just be there and it’s not.
Being in a marriage and raising kids is a lot of work. Sure anyone can go through the motions but I only think that can last just so long before everything fades and falls by the wayside. I feared this is where we were headed. I know this is where we were headed. I don’t want go there. I know my husband can be a dad and husband at the same time. I know I can adjust and pick up where he leaves off and continue that parenting role. But I can’t pick up where he leaves off on being a husband.
In the end I agreed to never let it get this far. I spoke about being terrified to have this conversation and hoping that one day things would just turn around and it will be fine. I know I can’t do that and thinking that way is wildly insane. I know I need to approach him more about doing things for US and making our own time. It’s not that he doesn’t want to do it, he just never thinks of it. I can do this once and a while but if I’m the only one doing it, I think it’s like buying your own birthday present. Yay…. thanks. I’d like him to make an effort on his own once and a while! He agreed to be more forthcoming about his schedule and respect the fact that his family is waiting for him at home unless he tells us otherwise.
All in all I think we are headed back in the right direction. My pregnant hormones were on overdrive all weekend and I think even they need a break. This week is loaded with housework and spring cleaning. We are headed out of town for a few days, just the two of us next week and it couldn’t come at a better time 🙂