My vacation post was probably 10 pages long. I’m going to summarize it so I don’t bore you to death.
Met my husband at a very popular spring break destination last week. He had a conference. The hotel was oceanside, 100 yards from the beach. It’s usually single digits in the morning where I live and it’s never going to stop snowing. Ever. I’m convinced.
It was horrible. We fought the ENTIRE time. Well, there might have been a few hours in there that we weren’t sleeping and not arguing but not many. After some VERY lengthy discussions it boils down to this:
I’m asking him to be someone he’s just not. He doesn’t agree with this. He thinks he’s capable of changing. I’m choosing hope. I think. I’m trying to convince myself I am. I’m trying to convince myself that he really does want to be the person I think he is. Personally, I think that your true colors will always shine through. You can pretend for a long time but eventually it will catch up to you and you will realize that it’s not worth trying to be someone else.
I am someone who operates with lots of information. I can’t stand it when I only know “half” of the story when I know there is more. I like to talk. I am dying for conversations with nothing to do with kids, school or church.
My husband is a very private person. He doesn’t like to talk. He doesn’t think people need to know everything he does. Not because he has something to hide. He just doesn’t like to talk about it for reasons unknown even to me. You can ask him a question and he’ll give you a one or two word answer. This makes me crazy. He’s so defensive by nature. He doesn’t think this is defensive. I think it is. Ask me no questions, I’ll tell you no lies. It’s the best defense.
We’ve been working on our communication. Apparently this only required him to let me know exact details as it relates to me or the kids. If it’s for pleasure and me or the kids are not directly involved, we do not need to know. He doesn’t think people need to know everything he does. Not even me. What good does it do anyone for him to give a play by play of the events that took place??? Nothing out of the ordinary happened, why should he need to talk about it?
This vacation tested that theory to the maximum limits. So much that I’m not sure we can move beyond it. The short story is before I got there, he met up with an old college friend that is known for his ability to get many women and his frequent visits to the strip clubs. For the record those places don’t bother me. Honestly. After their night out, my husband text me saying he drank way too much but was back at the hotel. It was midnight. “Great. Hope you had fun! Good luck with your hangover :)” was my response. We joked about it. Upon my arrival he was a clam. He answered my questions with one & two word responses. This was with nearly everything that I talked about related to alcohol or sex. It bothered me to no end. After much discussion he said he was blindsided by my constant questioning and felt like I was accusing him of doing something he didn’t. He felt he told me everything I NEEDED to know about the night. But it was more then that. It was like everything I said was suddenly taboo and in mentioning it I was someone trying to get him to admit he did something wrong. He said they did go to a bar with scandalously dressed women and his friend did pick up a few women to hang out with for the night. He said he didn’t do anything inappropriate and accused me of not trusting him.
This is how it is. If I pry for information, he thinks I’m not trusting him. I think by me constantly having to pry information from him, he’s doesn’t think I’m prvy enough to know what he knows. It goes for information about his night out with this friend and it goes for his day at work. I think of it the same, treat it the same, I question it the same. I’m not trying to bust him in some lie, I’m trying to have a conversation. I’m trying to be his wife, I’m trying to know his intimate details because of who I am. I want to know his thoughts. I want to be in his thoughts. I want him to want to know mine. I want him to want to be in mine. I don’t care if his details are about his friend giving some random woman a little finger play in the bar. As long as my husband wasn’t doing the same, I don’t care!!! (His friend isn’t married so I could careless what he does.) But seriously, I think I’m special enough to know this information. I think I’m mature enough to handle the sex talk, the drinking talk, the boys talk, the work talk, the hunting talk, the professional talk…. whatever. And I’m not. And it hurts. Why don’t I get to know this stuff? Why is it not considered “cool” for your wife to know this stuff? I don’t gab it to anyone. I don’t have a friend that rush out to tell the latest gossip to. I have this blog where no one knows me. That’s all I have.
In the end, he tells me he can change. He tells me he will be more open with me. He tells me he will answer my questions so we can have a conversation. He tells me he will try and talk with me before my questions even start so I know I’m important enough to know the details without asking. I find it sweet and humiliating at the same time. He says he’ll change this side of himself for me. I, in turn need to be more understanding and more straight forward on my feelings. I need to let him know the minute something isn’t right. I need to let him know this. I don’t think it’s fair. Not for me, but for him. I always feel that I’m asking him to do so much while it’s OK for me to do nothing on my end but remind him that he’s not being the person he promised to be. It’s hard to be someone you’re not. I told him that. I’ve tried for years or at least I think I have. I’ve tried to pretend that I’m OK with not knowing his details. I’m not. My true colors are shining through. I’ve tried to pretend that it’s OK for him to sit back in his private life and not associate with my friends/family. I’m not OK with that either. My true colors have shined through.
In the end, I said I’m choosing hope. I’m hoping that we can meet in the middle some place. It’s hard when you realize you aren’t the special person you thought you were. He insists this is simply not true. I’m having a hard time believe it. He says it’s a matter of perception and if that’s how I choose to believe it, he’ll try to change it but he can’t force me to.
I know I’m not 100% honest with my feelings about him. Not 100% of the time. I let them go when someone else fills that void, like Frank. Then when Frank is gone the bottle fills and explodes. I know this isn’t right. But when he doesn’t pay attention to me, I don’t have anywhere else to go. I need to stop expecting him to notice this and point it out to him. I need to let him know I’m in need of him, my husband.
I’m choosing hope that someday he’ll do this on his own and I won’t have to make the effort. I’m choosing hope when this day comes, I’ll recognize it and be thankful.