, , , ,

Went to a popular spring break destination with my husband last week.  He had a conference. I was there for the beach.  

I’m not very pregnant but you wouldn’t have guessed that by looking a me.  I had to purchase other clothes the night before because I’m so huge already!  Anyway, here are a few funny things from our “vacation”.

-1-  While riding in an elevator in a very swanky hotel, a group of very young girls join me.  I’m in a nice dress & heels with a very growing midsection.  These girls are in see through cover ups wearing a very small bikini tops & thongs.  One very classy girlie says, “Oh my gosh you are adorable!!  Are you preggers?”  My thoughts:  “Preggers?  Did she just say preggers?  When did that become a word and why would you say it to a complete stranger?”  What I really said was, “Oh thank you! Yes, I am pregnant!”  Classy Girl:  “Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl?”  me:  “No, it’s too early to tell and we never find out ahead of time.”  CG:  “Just so you know it’s a boy.  You are straight out.  Girls make your hips really wide and your butt really big.  You have neither so you are having a boy.”  me:  “OK?”  CG:  “do you care which one you have?”  me:  “no, I already have one of each at home so we are just excited add another to the mix.”  CG:  “oh my god are you serious??  Wow.  congratulations……  ”  I could totally tell she was thinking “wow, you are preggers with your third baby and you are here for spring break.  the fat, old lady on the beach.  awesome”

As I arrived the the hotel to get my key, I waited in line behind a group of young college boys.  It was very evident they had be drinking.  One of the kind gentleman puts his arm around me, asks me where I’m from, and tells me the service here sucks.  Excellent.  My response:  “You can take your arm off of me.”  CG:  “oh I’m sorry?”  me:  “Thanks, I throw up when strangers touch me.  It’s an awful side effect of this pregnancy”  The young man failed to notice my gigantic stomach but when he did,he bolted up to his buddies as if he was expecting papa bear to come around the corner at any time and beat his ass.

OK this one isn’t very funny.  But the women on this beach are beautiful.  yes, they all have fake everything and they look like clones.  But if you are a man, you are not disappointed with the selection of eye candy.  The men on this beach are awful.  Just plain awful.  I made this comment to my husband (in b/t fights of course, why not?  See previous post!):  “Why do you get all of the eye candy and I get nothing?”  I then stated that he should feel proud of himself for being the best looking man on the beach.  I think he was pretty proud of himself.  Still…  it was pathetic.  Allegedly he had not noticed the lack of acceptable men there.  Why not?  I notice the women?  Anyway.  That said I suggested he pay attention.  The next 30 men we saw proved my point to the tee.  They were either so skinny that their skinny jeans were baggy and I’m fairly certain if they gas too much they’ll blow themselves over!  They have no muscle tone what so ever.  It’s gross.  Then there are the dorks.  The guys that having figured out that socks and sandals really aren’t cool.  They come complete with fanny packs & pocket protectors.  Following those gems were the fatties.  The guys that have larger breasts then mine and I’m pregnant.  If they didn’t fit those categories, they were jocks that resembled apes.  Men with muscles so large you know they have small penises from all of their steroids.  They practically drag their knuckles for God’s sake.  One of them couldn’t figure out how to put the fitted sheet on the cushion he for his cabana that he rented for him and his beautiful honey at his side.  She didn’t bother to help figure out the sheet so I figured that neither one of them did this at home.  Either they didn’t change their sheets ever of they have maids/butlers!  I was able to find a very special man that managed to change from his droupy drawers into this very small speedo right in front of me.  He tried the “changing in the towel” trick but the slot of the towel happened to be open in my direction.  Yep, I got to see his junk.  Awesome.  Apparently sprawling out next to a large pregnant lady on the beach poses no threat.  After that little number bachelor number 3 showed up on the beach in his flapper hat and a metal detector at his side.  He found a few coins right in front of me.  I think he was showing off.