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Hello all 🙂  We’ve been a whirlwind of activity this past month.  I am finally starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel.  Sort of.  My pregnancy is progressing and I’m hit week 19.  I’m feeling pretty well physically.  I’m still running and have a half scheduled in 3 weeks.  That’s the good parts of where we are at!  My head is what is causing my issues and I can’t seem to move passed them.

My lovely 5 year old daughter.  Ughhhhhh.  She is the sweetest, rudest, defiant, most beautiful girl ever.  We are having issues with her that I would have never dreamed would be.  I don’t know if it’s a “school” thing that she’s learning some of this from her friends or if it’s just a phase??  She’s so damn rude!!! I can’t stand it.  I’m happy she is able to communicate what she wants but, damn, she’s so freakin’ pushy!  Example:  We walked into a friend’s house where her and her brother were going to hang out for the evening while I went out with the friend’s mom and a few others for dinner.  My daughter walks in, sees the other kids eating a snack and asks where her snack is.  Mind you we JUST finished snack before we went there.  I pulled her over to the side, reminded her that is not appropriate and that she didn’t need a snack because we already ate one.  She pulled away from me and walked away.  WTF???  I let it go as she went to play with a friend and I just didn’t want to deal with it.  I went into the bathroom to freshen up a bit and she asked the other mom to get her a snack.  The other Mom realized I had already said no and told my daughter she needed to work it out with me.  My daughter told her that I was in the bathroom so she she needed the Mom to get her the snack before I came out.  Seriously.  Now I know this is probably nothing but this is what she does ALL THE TIME.  She’s rude and tries to get away with everything that I’m terrified I’m never going to be able to trust her.  Trust is a HUGE issue for me and I hate where our relationship is going.  It’s starting to remind me of mine with my own mother at this stage and it sucked.  I remember just wanting to be able to talk to her about stuff but I was terrified.  I never trusted her enough to be able to talk.  I do not want that for my daughter.  I don’t know what I’m doing wrong and I feel horrible for it.  

My next deal….  I’m trying to be thankful.  I REALLY am.  Since we are adding to our family we need a new car.  Our current family vehicle doesn’t fit everyone in.  My husband insisted on a mini van.  I am NOT a minivan type of person.  No offense to anyone who has one, I know plenty, but I’m just not a fan of the van.  I feel old, fat and lazy when I drive one.  I told my husband that I am not very excited about his idea and searched high and low for an SUV type vehicle that offered the space of a van with the comforts of an SUV that I’m used to.  I found one but we weren’t able to find the one we wanted (used but not a rental).  Push came to shove and we needed to decide on a new car instantly.  I had a van picked out and an SUV.  We were minutes from pulling the trigger on the SUV when the pricing came back too high and the van pricing came back at something we were looking for.  Now I know that the van is the best practical choice.  It had more room, better gas mileage and easier for the kids. All of which the SUV didn’t have.  But I was making it work.  I had the carseats all configured in multiple ways that would work for me (I’m the one running with kids 90% of the time anyway) and that would work for our family.  I felt more comfortable in it.  The husband said fine but he wasn’t crazy about the idea.  I eventually gave in to the van knowing that it was indeed the most practical decision.  I convinced myself that I needed to be thankful for being able to afford a brand new vehicle with all of the bells & whistles when some people would give their left arm for something like this.  I need to be thankful for a husband that works as hard as he does and we were able to pay cash for this beast.  I need to be thankful that we were able to get the most top safety rated minivan out there and that in the event of an accident my kid will be as safe as they can be.  And I am thankful for this but I HATE the van.  I like how it drives, I like the features, I HATE that it’s a van.  I am trying my best to keep this to myself because I feel so incredibly selfish for feeling this way.  I feel like the worst person alive that these thoughts are in my head.  I feel so ungrateful and I don’t want to.  We got home last night with it and my kids were so excited to show it off to my husband.  I got out and he instantly realized something was wrong with me.  I covered it up by telling him my allergies were acting up.  Not a lie, they really were and my eyes were super itchy and watery.  I went for a ride with him & the kids so he could drive it.  He said he likes it.  He said our kids don’t need to be carted around in an SUV and they could use some humility in life.  I’m pretty sure he’s talking about me even though he says it’s more about our daughter realizing that we aren’t better then anyone else.  (see paragraph above, she thinks she’s the greatest thing since sliced bread)  I dont’ think I ask for the best of everything, in fact I know I don’t.  I am always giving the kids what they need and usually forget about myself.  I don’t know.  I guess my pregnancy hormones are taking over again and really messing my head up.  Gosh this sucks.  

Need to think happy thoughts….  happy thoughts…. happy thoughts.

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