I’ve written about this in the past (in some post that I’ll find later and add a link). Divorce. I wrote about Life Coaches and the power they have over people, especially women. The empowerment they give is like no other as far as I’m concerned. They seem to fill in the blanks when useless explanations to make people feel as though they don’t need to be accountable for their next actions. As if it’s their friend/spouse/whomever that needs to deal with their problems, not them. It’s they who are causing the chaos in life, not the life coach’s minion.
OK, enough about life coaches. I hope I meet one someday that changes my view point!
An old high school friend, who married her high school sweetheart and had two beautiful children, recently divorced. Her husband was unfaithful and the breaking point was when she caught him in the act, with another woman, in the very bed they shared together. Ouch. She’s suspected him many times of cheating prior to this but apparently he has always been able to talk himself clean. Well, sort of hard to do that this time. That was more then a year ago. He has since remarried. Their daughters are in high school now. She was reacquainted with a different high school friend after her divorce and the two of them found some strange love connection. She’s incredibly happy now. And who wouldn’t be happy for her?
After a friend gets divorced, people seem to crowd around them to make them feel loved, talk with them through their feelings, make them see there is still life after divorce. It’s great to have that support. Up where I’m from, this usually takes place at a local bar over many alcoholic beverages. Nothing really wrong with that either! What’s wrong with a bunch of man hating women at a bar getting drunk?!! Now fast forward a few months. This same group of women are still going out every other weekend (because you only have your kids every other weekend when you get divorced *usually*). They start talking about the divorced girl’s new boyfriend and how happy they are. The love is new and it’s giddy and the sex is amazing and neither one of them can find fault in the other because they are each so perfect. That’s where the weak start to crumble. And this is the gaggle I’m talking about. The other married women see their friend’s new found happiness and the jealousy starts. They start talking about their husband’s flaws and how horrible their own marriage is. They start finding similarities in their life with their newly divorced friend’s life. They see how happy they could be if they ended their marriage and started a new relationship. They start blaming their husband for everything wrong in their life and the friends start agreeing. Little by little their own marriage starts to crumble and pretty soon friend #2 is seriously considering leaving her husband to start her own wonderful life. The friend #3 sees it and she, too, starts to think she should leave. After all, they are all in this together and they will be each other’s support group. They have no fears because they won’t be alone after the deed has been done.
Meanwhile, back home with the kids, is the husband. He starts to wonder if this new life of his wife going out without him every other weekend is really necessary. He tries to make plans on her normal “girlfriend” weekend to see who she’s more committed to. BOOM!! There is the entrance she’s been waiting for and she slams him with every reason she needs to be with her friends and not him. Everything wrong in their relationship comes out.
I’ve seen this happen at least twice before. I know it’s not enough to say this happens every time but damn. I’m friends with both the “husband” and the “wife” in both occurrences. I hear it from both sides. I see it from both sides. They both went down in similar fashion. One divorced woman starts it and the rest follow. Neither time the husband ever really saw it coming. He knew they weren’t getting along but he didn’t know that divorce was the answer.
This most recent time the husband is not taking any crap like the previous friend. He made it clear that they are either mature enough to work through this or he’ll call a lawyer and be done. I feel bad for them and their kids. I feel bad for her because she is one to make pretty big decisions without much thought and usually regrets them later. I feel bad for him because he loves his wife. But he loves his kids even more and has enough self respect not to let her run the show like a child. A nearly 40 year old woman doesn’t need to be in the bars every other weekend getting trashed and spending the next day at home with a hangover in front of her kids. I just think it’s a bad example for them to see. She’s a good friend but damn, what the hell?
Coming from some one who has enough of her own marriage problems, you think I’d be the last to have an opinion. But seeing this trend makes me think about myself, my husband and my kids. Seeing how these people’s children are reacting and behaving as a result of this makes me realize that there are better ways of dealing with the rough patches. I’m not saying that going out with friends to the bar and letting yourself go for a night is wrong. Even one day of a hangover in front of them isn’t going to scar them for life. It’s the repetitive behavior that gets me going.
Birds of a feather, flock together. It still holds true.