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I lost count how many rounds I’ve gone with the boy over this same topic but 792 sounds about right.  

As you recall, I stated rather bluntly that I needed a date.  Out of spite I was going to not call and arrange a babysitter because I was so upset by his comments that I figured a night out of pure demand wasn’t going to get me anywhere.  But then I thought about it a little more and decided to put my big girl pants on and arrange for one anyway.  So I did and this weekend we have a date night.  The whole night.  Just the two of us.  

After this conversation came a shit storm of events between us.  We were getting ready for a party, had lots to do and he had places to go for work.  He didn’t want to come home 2 nights before the party to avoid 6 hours of driving but asked what I would like him to do.  There was plenty of time for him to get where he needed to go and so I asked if he could please come home and help me.  He threw a huge fit but came home anyway.  He did what I asked and was a complete jerk the entire night.  The kids were running around, excited with party preparations, it was late, I had 4 bags of groceries on the counter to put away.  A counter/sink crammed with dishes that needed to be in the dishwasher or washed and put away.  There were 3 baskets of laundry that needed to be done.  It was late.  I decided to get the kids to bed first and tackle the rest later.  I come out from getting the kids to bed and he’s sitting on the damn chair watching TV.  Not 5 min later he’s sleeping.  I wake him up and tell him to go to bed.  He gets mad because it shouldn’t matter to me where he sleeps.  What?  Then gets up, gets a glass of wine and goes back to watching TV.  ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??!?!  My preggo hormones could take it no longer.  I completely melt down, start having contractions, nauseous, dizziness, you name it, it hit me.  I was obviously at my rock bottom, lowest I could go.  He gets upset, doesn’t understand where this is all coming from.  He was pissed off at me for having him come home and it’s all my fault for taking on too much and I suck at planning things and the list goes on.  

The next day was much of the same.  I was sick, contracting, trying to get ready for a party, feeling lost and unsearchable.  And the contractions never stopped.  Holy shitballs this can’t happen now.  It’s now late afternoon on a Friday and I’m only 23 weeks.  Doc wants me in immediately and now I need to find a place for my kids b/c Lord knows they aren’t coming in that hospital room with me when the good doc shoves his head up my vagina to check things out!!  I reluctantly call my husband asking for help.  He met us at the hospital and I gave him quick instructions on what to do with the kids for food & where we parked and walked away.  He asked if I was alright at least.  I barely turned around and answered.  Going up to Labor & Delivery in this condition, hardly speaking to my husband just isn’t the ideal situation.  My rock solid doctor, wasn’t in that day and I had to see one of his partners.  I wasn’t thrilled about that either.  Thankfully this man was fantastic and was probably the next best thing.  He calmed my nerves, talked to me about what was going on and sent me on my way.  For the record, we are all fine and baby is still cooking 🙂

Made it home to find the house a mess since that’s the condition I left it in.  The kids running around and hungry and my husband pissed off.  He felt I did this to myself and just cost myself a whole bunch of time.  He was concerned for my health and the baby but if I didn’t take on so much I wouldn’t be in this condition.  This didn’t make him want to help me any more.  Eventually we got the kids to bed and it all came out again.  He wasn’t going to do any of the house work because it was something I should have gotten done prior to this. He doesn’t know how to cook any of this stuff and won’t help with that.  Since that was all that was left to do, he considered his job done.  Sat in the chair with a glass of wine and watched TV.   It was a good 2 hours of silence between us while I finished my work.  But I finished and went to bed. It was late and I was exhausted. 

After telling me how ungrateful and selfish I was 3 hours prior to this, he wanted to talk.  I had nothing to say. I spent all of my quite time trying to figure out how to live on my own.  Not out of principle or pitty, but I am mentally exhausted from having this same conversation and nothing changing.  We are asking each other to be people we aren’t and you can’t go into a relationship thinking you are going to change the other person.  I didn’t think either of us had but apparently that just isn’t the truth.  For both of us.  I was sad about thinking like this but we obviously take each other for granted and neither are able to change our behaviors.  I didn’t let these thoughts out of my head since I didn’t want to deal with it at this exact time.  He requested we talk about how to get around our issues again.  I stated I didn’t have anything new to say.  He’s heard everything I’ve had to say and I’m too tired to discuss it further.  I was upset and crying and just wanted to fall asleep.  I think for the first time he realized that I was nearing the end.  

He pried out an hour conversation out of me.  I said nothing new.  He couldn’t understand how I could possibly want more from him.  He doesn’t understand how to change but he wants to.  He wants to be there for me.  All I could say is that I want to have an emotional relationship with him.  I want to be in his thoughts.  I want him to think of me as his wife.  I want to WANT him again and him to return the favor.  He thinks he initiates sex enough.  Um…  true but not exactly what I’m going after here.  He thinks by providing so much for us he is showing us how much he loves us.  He doesn’t understand how that isn’t enough.  I have no way of making him see that it isn’t.  I have no way of showing him how grateful we are for him and his ability to provide so much for us other then thanking him and trying to do our part at home.  But in the end, emotional needs are not met and I’m still in this alone.

I finally fell asleep on a wet pillow.  The alarm clock woke me up all too early and I looked like I was hit by a truck.  No makeup in the world was going to cover this mess.  I put on my best face and got to work.  The party went off without a hitch and everyone had a good time.  My husband helped out a ton, put on his best show face and I was so grateful for his help.  We all did have a good time.  After I took another shower and sat down to relax.  He gave me a massage that obviously led to a movie for the kids and bed time for us 🙂 

We still have our date this weekend and I’m looking forward to that.  We have a very busy summer ahead of us with both work and play.  I feel as though I’m headed back to the great unknown in hoping and wondering if we can actually make the changes we need to make.  We always seem to go in circles.  

I can already tell that his work schedule is getting him a bit anxious since he knows it’s going to take over and my assumption is he’ll fall right back into that same mode.  Not because he wants to but that’s the only way he knows to cope with the stress. My only hope is that we can find a break in the action to reconnect and remind each other that we are still in it for the long haul.  

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