It’s been a week. It’s been fun. It’s been sad. It’s been disappointing. It’s been happy.
The fun… Had an OK time with the family on our vacation at a water park. Well, as good as can be considering I HATE WATER PARKS. My little guy came home as a rash. His legs are the worst. The inside park was filthy. The outside one wasn’t so bad. Poor kid was screaming they hurt so bad. We skipped the water the last day! We played mini-golf instead. Much better!
The happy and disappointed… I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with my husband but that wasn’t surprising. I knew that was coming. Nothing like being overly large in a swimming suit in front of his co-workers and work wife to pump up the good ol’ self esteem. Ugh. The time I did get with him was annoying. I tried REALLY hard to be happy. And I mean really hard. I didn’t voice any complaints or annoyances or anything. I put on a smile and laughed when appropriate. I wasn’t even going to stay the extra day b/c the kids were exhausted and crabby and Mr. Rash boy was miserable. He helped me pack everything up and as I was backing out of the parking lot he was at my window begging me to stay. I’m not sure if he sensed my uncomfortableness (is that a word?) or not but we did end up staying and he said he was very happy. That made me feel good. He’s never begged me to stay any with him anywhere especially with crabby kids.
More disappointing… My disappointment was coming from him the first days. I understand I’m large. I’m bloated with more then my fair share of water retention. My face is puffy. I have a limited wardrobe. I’m am constantly being stopped by people asking me when I’m due (not for another 7 weeks) and the comments range from sympathetic to giggling. I get enough from other women, mostly, saying how cute my belly is. Well, I am all belly. My rear end is bigger but I still have some sort of shape to me. It’s always nice when someone says that. Even if it is just to be nice! Well… I’m pretty sure I’m repulsive to my husband. He doesn’t like fat people to begin with. It’s not like he doesn’t understand that I’m only this big b/c I’m pregnant. But he’s so not attracted to me in any way what so ever. He denies it of course. But I’m not dumb. He’s never once told me I look nice when I’m pregnant. It’s rare he says it when I’m not pregnant. But at least it’s there. He constantly makes comments about good looking people. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even know he does it. It’s usually after a few cocktails anyway. But it’s so disheartening. One night he had a dinner and a female member of the board that he was with asked him to share a dessert with her. Strange and awkward but whatever. Only she proceeded to eat from the same side of the dessert!?!? So he told me about this and I did laugh because I can’t believe the nerve of her to ask. But I do know that he would be very uncomfortable with this. Which he was. Which is why he told me about it. The next day the first thing he says to me is that every one at his conference (reason for our water park vacation) was talking about his new associate. Mind you, I have no idea he has a new associate. Never mentioned it. I asked why people are talking about her so much. Dumb question. She’s 26, beyond beautiful and is out to make a name (a good one, she means business) for herself. Why would he fail to tell me about this when they hired her? She’s been there for a few weeks. He didn’t think it was anything to mention. Which, maybe not but I hear about every other new person??? **Trigger pregnancy hormones here.** I didn’t mention it again and pretended not even to be minorly annoyed even though I was.
The sad… we lost a good man this week. He was a member of our church and one of those guys you could talk to about anything. He was a great leader and a great mentor. He just retired and always talked about how much he just loved his retired life. He was so happy. He was dead before he hit the ground. Massive heart attack. I always say, it’s the way to go. Or in your sleep. But he was just so young. It’s so sad. I’m so sad. But happy he made so many great memories with his family & friends.
In the end, as I think of all of the emotions that hit me within the past few days…. I’m content. I’m not happy, I’m not sad. I’m just taking each day one hour at a time until things settle down.