I’m mid basement cleaning for my first and ridiculously large rummage sale. I have stuff that I’ve needed to get rid of since I moved out of my parents house 15 years ago. I’ve become a hoarder *almost* without knowing it. Something clicked this month and I’m suddenly tossing stuff out like it never existed. My husband is so happy!
I was doing well chugging along through stacks and piles of bins; sorting out the good, the bad and the ugly. This was until I came across a small tote labeled “Memories” in writing that wasn’t my own. I vaguely remember my Mother giving this to me but it was quickly buried in all of the other crap that I’ve accumulated over the years. I opened it up and was shocked to see ALL of my old high school & college journals. My deepest, darkest secrets in all of the world were sitting right here. I had one of those moments when I thought, “when I die, this is what someone would find and read it all…..” and I was terrified!! No way could this ever happen. So I did what any other person would do… I opened up a note book from my junior year of high school and started reading.
After reading 2 whole notebooks of thoughts & fantasies I can honestly say I was one fucked up kid. Mostly because I trusted NO ONE with my thoughts. My only “out” was to write it down; much like this blog. The stuff I did and had on my mind was off the charts in my mind now.
After reading just two notebooks, this is what I’ve learned…..
1 – I was in a relationship that should have ended 3 years prior to when it actually did
2 – I had far too many men under my belt for that age
3 – My biggest fear was being alone.
4 – It took little more then a compliment for me to want to stalk your every move.
5 – After said compliment, I was a guaranteed fuck. (talk about low self esteem)
The drama I had in my life at that time puts Days Of Our Lives to shame. But here is a short summary of my life from age 14 – 23.
I dated a guy the end of my freshman year of high school through my 21st birthday. He was 4 years older then me. The summer going into my junior year I realized that other “boys” existed and perhaps mine was now boring. My experiments started here. They didn’t end until I met my husband. And by reading this blog I guess maybe they haven’t “ended” per say but maybe altered? At any rate, after realizing that there are boys my age that might be in to me I started hooking up with them and having little side relationships with them. There was at least one on the side at all times. The summer after my senior year I became infatuated with this older man (8 years older I think). He was my knight in shining armor. His name was Thomas. Keep in mind, I was still dating the original man (Dave) from my freshman year of high school yet. Somehow I was able to intertwine these men in my life. Thomas knew everything about Dave. Dave knew nothing of Thomas. Thomas was the type of man who liked knowing that I was cheating on my boyfriend with him. He loved having that edge. He taught me all things crazy, kinky and scary when it came to sex. We had sex in about every place and position imaginable. And for hours on end. Eventually my relationship with Thomas came to an end and I can’t remember why. Perhaps that’s in another notebook! After Thomas came a multitude of other men, all the while still dating Dave. This is why our relationship was 3 years too long. During this time Dave wasn’t just sitting around waiting for me to grow up so he could propose…. he was reuniting with ex-girlfriends, lying about his whereabouts and meeting new women in college. He was older and of age so he went to the bars a lot and I hated it. I retaliated by finding another guy to “love”. But because both of us feared being alone, we stayed together, knowing we were guaranteed each other when our little experiments left us for the night. I had randoms that I met here and there and most were one-night-stands. At one point I met a guy named Shawn that had the same birthday as I did. It was 6 months until my 21st birthday and he was determined to take me out. We were just friends until the weeks close to my birthday. He met me and some friends out at a bar that we played volleyball at and we ended up at his apartment, trying to be good but that didn’t last. We did meet up for my birthday but Dave was with and instantly hated Shawn. Huh…. wonder why?! Shawn and I continued to hook up for months after this. Shawn was also in a relationship that was long term and needed to end. Misery loved company and sometimes a little too much! He eventually ended his relationship and when I didn’t instantly end mine, he moved on. After this was my first married man. I knew what I was doing was wrong but I didn’t care. Not in the least. He and his wife had 3 kids; twins that were just a year old and an older one. He hated home life. Someone was always complaining and whining and he just couldn’t take it. He was a client of the company I worked for. We all went out for happy hour one night after work and him and I stayed out until bar close. He drove and once back in his truck to get my car…. um…. lets just say he LOVED going down on women and that was just what I needed. Holy hell I remember that orgasm until this day. I thought perhaps I really died at one point because I couldn’t even see straight. It was the first time someone had touched, licked, penetrated that part of me in that way and it’s never been the same since. Nor have I ever had anyone come close to that since. Damn it! Anyway, his wife hated it and he loved to do it. It’s all he really wanted for quite some time. He felt bad about cheating but he said he his penis never entered me, it wasn’t as bad. So he would only let me give him a hand job after he was done with me. Huh…. not a bad deal!! This went on for a few months but it needed to end. He was starting to really get emotionally attached and that was not what I was after. Shortly after him I ended my relationship with Dave. One day I just made up my mind to do it. He came over for dinner and to spend the night and I told him we were through. Just like that, for real this time, break up was complete. It was sad but so very necessary. To my surprise it was easier on me then I thought. I hated the thought of being alone. But I did it. I did spend a few weekends alone and thought it sucked big time. Then one night I got a call to meet a friend out for drinks. He introduced me to the man I thought for sure I was going to marry. Unfortunately that didn’t last very long. I because so emotionally attached to this man and I scared him away like no other. Stage 5 clinger was my name for sure. Whoops. While I continued to love this man from a distance I dated a few others and when one became my stage 5 clinger I realized how ridiculous I was. I floundered around for quite a while dating random guys that I never intended any real relationship with until at age 23 my head finally came out of my ass and I was introduced to my husband. The crazy shit ended, I became mentally stable and eventually married this man.
This tote I found contained every minor detail of my life in those years. I would be incredibly embarrassed to have someone read it. I can’t believe it even sat unattended in my parents house for years when it should have been under lock and key!!
My husband is going to be out of town for a few days soon and this will be the perfect time to for me to read and burn! I thought of inviting a few friends over who were with me through this time, to participate in the burning of these pages. However there isn’t a single soul on this earth who knows those details and I know for a fact they will want to read what they can before the fire consumes the words. I’m not sure that’s really necessary!