I saw Frank yesterday. It was not completely planned out that we would see each other but I did know what I was doing.
I’ve been reading a lot lately. Nursing a baby that likes to eat a lot gives me lots of time sitting in a cozy chair! I’m mostly a nonfiction reader. Biographies & anything inspirational type reads are my favorite. The last two I read where Phil Robertson’s book from Duck Dynasty and another one about marriages & relationships. Both books make me see people in an entirely different way. Not that I believe everything I read but the concepts are there and I’ve been able to relate my life to them.
I know the postpartum hormones can make mountains out of mole hills. I know I’ve been down this road many times before. I know myself and I know my husband. I feel like my head is strong enough to know when I’m getting crazier than I should. I also know that I’m not being a good person or wife by not communicating my true feelings. I usually “grin & bare it” when I’m faced with tough situations or confrontational situations. I called it picking my battles & thought it was the smarter thing to do. I don’t know. I’m still working through that.
These past few weeks have brought out the best & worst of us. I’m sure that’s what newborns do to a lot of people! I have been thinking about how to become more of my true self. I’m understanding that where we are now is not where we’ll always be. It gets me through the bad days. The boy, however, is looking in the the opposite direction. He can’t get passed the sassy, attention starved 3 year old. The 6 year old who wants to start finding herself & expressing herself. Instead of embracing these times he’s trying to force them away. He’s miserable or so it seems. He is so angry and unhappy. I’ve been so annoyed with it that all I can think about is my grounded force. The one who, no matter what, makes me feel whole again. He grounds me. It’s like hitting the reset button.
Instantly whatever I had on my mind was gone. It’s like when he walks in the door, everything gets erased. I connect with those icy blues & I feel the smile returning to my face. I see the look in his eyes and I know instantly he’s tuned into me. Only me. We have exactly 5 minutes before he needs to leave and we have each other’s full attention. He surprisingly asks about my husband & I let him know things are okay but nothing has changed. He doesn’t seem surprised. But all I can do is lose myself in those beautiful eyes. He looks at me in such a treasured way. I still can’t help but wonder if he looks at his own wife that way. I just want to ask!
All too soon its time to go. He walks away in a hurry 😦 I wait in the room we met in for a few minutes to clear my head. I open the door and he’s standing there. I’m startled to see him there. There are 2 other people standing right behind him and I assume they are with him. I bid farewell to all of them and continue down the hall. Even better…. he walks after me. I love to hear him say my name… it rings in my head. But I was so caught off guard that the look on my face must have been confusing to him. He said he thought I looked in pain, troubled. He lays those icy blue eyes right into mine & I can hardly get the words “I’m fine and thank you for your concern” out. We are talking out in the open for the first time. I don’t know how to act. He sincerely apologizes for his tight schedule and lack of attention for me but urges me to call him if I need to talk. I’m floored. There are people not 10 feet away from us?! But suddenly I don’t see anyone & thank him again for everything. I look completely vulnerable (and pathetic if you ask me) and he cares. He asks me how I feel. He shows concern & empathy. And I feel like the world is right again because someone showed genuine concern & empathy.
The old me would have seen this as a huge sign of weakness. I can take care of myself without someone else giving that to me. I still struggle with it but I’m starting to be more accepting of myself.