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I’ve been working on my “true self” these days.  I’m not very good at this.  And to me this sounds completely ridiculous.  How can you not be “good” at being your “true self”?  But I’m not.  I’m conflicted.  I feel selfish.  I’m not asking for anything, not even sympathy.  I’m telling it like it is.  I’m not being brutally honest or mean or anything.  It’s just foreign to me, I guess.  

One of the things I’m doing or not doing is sugar coating how things are going at home to the husband.  I usually just shield him from our misfortunes so he knows I got this.  He’s free to have a good time knowing we are doing well at home.  I feel at some point I’ll be justly rewarded for my efforts.  And maybe I am in a way I’m not seeing but for all I’m concerned….  I’m not.  But it’s OK.  I don’t really need anything.  It would just be nice for someone to notice.  It’s not like he doesn’t know what’s going on; I do tell him all about it after he gets home.  He just figures I can handle it and continues on.

This time around has been different.  He asks how things are going and I tell him.  “How did everyone sleep last night?” is usually his morning text.  My response is usually “fine…..” followed by some random funny thing that happened.  Not this time.  “Baby was up all night.  The boy was up twice and is being a whiny brat.  The girl has an attitude.  It’s going to be a long day.”  He’s upset that the kids are being awful and proceeds to tell me how things aren’t going his way either.  Lovely.  Two miserable people.  Only he’s on “vacation” and I’m not.  I don’t feel sorry for him.  I don’t tell him this, I just ignore his response so I don’t say anything bitchy.  I found out my daughter is having some behavior issues at school.  I text him this since we have parent/teacher conferences tomorrow.  He’s pissed.  Proceeds to tell me how I need to change her attitude.  Ummmm….  OK.  I don’t respond as my choice of words aren’t text worthy and I don’t need a record of my thoughts.  It’s best they fall into the sleepy haze like everything else.  

So you can see I’m not being mean to him.  I’m not being bitchy.  I’m not sugar coating anything or making him see this false reality.  I’m simply telling him how things are as they are happening.  And not everything bad either.  Just things that I think are notable.  Anyway, I feel bad nonetheless.  I feel as though I should shelter him from my bad days as it makes me seem weak.  It makes me feel vulnerable; two things I’ve done my best to avoid.   I don’t do weak and vulnerable.  But I’m also at my breaking point.  I’ve been doing it all, all by myself for so long that I am getting weak.  I need a break.  I need a husband.  And I’ve created this vision that I am strong enough without him having to break out of his routine.  He’s been able to basically come and go as he pleases and I’m always here.  

So far his reaction to this has been what I’d expect.  He’s not exactly shocked that things aren’t going very smooth right now given we have a one month old and my recovery hasn’t been the greatest.  I was a bit shocked that he finally sent a message “are things going that bad?  You seem like you are really, really miserable.”  YES!!!  I tell him that they aren’t going horrible but I am very tired and sore/uncomfortable.  He’s coming home a day early.  He says it’s not because of me, it’s because he’s just done being out there and sick of the people he’s with.  It isn’t my goal to end his hunting vacation.  It’s my goal to get him to see that it’s not all rainbows & unicorns here.  I want him to appreciate the work that I have to do in order for him to do what he wants.  I, in turn, would like him to take on this role once and a while so I can enjoy my time.  isn’t that the rule, you get what you give???  

Anyway, we’ll see how things pan out.  I’m slightly optimistic this is what I needed.  Although I am also terrified it will backfire on me and I’ll be right where I started.

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