That about sums up how I feel these days. I feel fine during the day. I feel something beyond words at night. I figure *inadequate* is an average between the two.
It’s hard right now. Being a Mom is hard right now. Being a wife is hard right now. Being a friend is hard right now. Everything and every person is challenging me to the best of their ability. Some days are worse than others and today is just another rough day. My baby cries all night long. She’s happy as can be during the day but screams in discontent ALL FUCKING NIGHT. Why? No one knows. Who is there to help? No one. Not even the husband when he is home. Tonight as I sit on the couch waiting the 20 minutes between cries, he walks in the house, says almost nothing and as soon as she starts screaming he complains about how sick he is of this screaming routine. And all I can think of is “you should actually try and deal with it for once and then tell me how sick of it you are.” Part of me REALLY wanted to say that. But I knew starting an argument with him wasn’t going to do anyone any good and I really didn’t want one more thing to do. The old “me” came out and calmly walked away. *sigh*
I thought of trying to escape one evening next week and ask some friends to go out to a dinner theater where there is a pretty funny act playing. It’s supposed to be very funny and a great event for a girls night out only to find out that a group of my friends went to see it tonight and I wasn’t even asked. I understand for the most part because after having a baby everyone thinks that all you want to do is sleep and you don’t have time to do anything else. While that is true, it is always nice to be thought of. Another group of Mom’s that I hang out with from the kid’s school got together this afternoon for something or other and again, left out. I suck as a friend.
Got a text today from the husband saying he is taking his office staff out on Friday to celebrate the holiday’s since it gets so busy for everyone to do it around Christmas. Asked about spouses attending and he told me no. Home again, alone, with the kids. *sigh* He’ll be gone for the rest of the month as well. Once and a while, if hunting is not going so well or he gets a deer early, he’ll surprise us and come home for Thanksgiving. At some point we’ll all stop being so excited and thinking of him as super special for coming home to be with his family.
My son is starting to act up because of the lack of attention. He just wants his Mom to pay some attention to him. His Mom really wants some time to pay attention to just him as well. We needed to go grocery shopping today. It took me 4 hours to get through 3 stores. It was awful. I wanted to cry after the first one, completely dreading the next two. I gave in to him breaking the rules because I just couldn’t crush the kid with disappointment yet another time. I’m paying for that dearly. Ughhhh…….
There have been so many times this week that I wish I would have thought more about having another kid. I didn’t know it was going to be this hard. The visions in my head were so different. I love my new baby girl with everything I have; it just doesn’t seem fair to anyone that I’m stretched so thin. I know as she gets older and we can maybe settle into a routine it will be easier. But until then I don’t know how to fix “me”. I don’t want to be this miserable. I want to be enjoying these little moments with my kids before they pass me by. I just don’t know how right now 😦