So last night, before I went to bed, I emailed my husband the following links:
The alarm clock went off. He got out of bed. I fell back to sleep. I awoke to the sounds of him being rather loud as he was getting ready for work. I remembered my email. I fought to fall back to sleep. He is normally very quiet in the morning so I can sleep a little longer. Now he’s angry. I’ve startled the beast. Do I pretend to be asleep until he leaves for work or do I stand up for what I believe in and my vow to save our marriage? Honestly, I laid there for quite a while trying to decide. What a coward.
I got up. I walked into the kitchen. I couldn’t even look at him. I don’t know if I felt shame for sending him an email or for sending him THE email. How can a wife not talk to her husband? When the husband’s expected reaction is that of belittlement and anger the wife walks on eggshells when she tries to stand up for what she believes in. Or rather shyly raises her hand from the back row asking if it’s OK to offer a suggestion. Yes, that’s me 99% of the time. I talk a big talk (in my head and on here) but when it comes to dealing with these issues I’m terrified of the rejection I could get from bringing it up. But past experience tells me that when I do this, I trigger defense mechanisms in the boy and I’m told to put my hand down, do my work and shut the hell up (figuratively speaking of course).
Him: “I got your email. I read the articles. I feel the same way.”
Wait….. what? I was shocked into submission. What the hell is going on?
Me: “You read them? Both of them?”
Him: “Yes and I feel the same way. We are like roommates. I feel like our marriage is broken. I figured that as long as everyone else in the house was happy that it didn’t matter what I felt like.”
Trigger instant tears. I don’t know if they are tears of happiness or tears of sadness.
Me: “That’s not sustainable. 4 people can’t be happy and 1 miserable. Something will fill that void of unhappiness. Something. And there is no denying it. And there is no reason for it. We are all happy or we are all miserable.”
The conversation went on about how he wants to put on a show for the kids to make them think it’s all rainbows and sunshine. I disagreed because even though our kids are young, they aren’t dumb. They know when things aren’t right. Who wouldn’t. Besides, I don’t want them to grow up thinking this how people operate. It’s not doing anyone any favors. I don’t want them to be miserable creatures on the inside because they are too afraid to show stand up for their own happiness. That is the worst possible thing I could ever do for my kids.
He wants to talk. He thinks we are roommates. It’s not a fun conversation when your husband says he feels like we are roommates. That hurts my heart a bit but it’s true and I know it. I’m not without fault there at all. I am shocked beyond belief that he read the articles and is actually happy I sent them to him. He was perplexed by me saying I was terrified of his reaction. I was certain he was going to tell me he wasn’t going to read some dumb post written by some random guy who’s wife left him and how he’s feeling bad. But I shit you not, that is exactly what he would have said had those articles not been as honest and written to the point that you can’t deny the truthfulness behind it.
So, thank you Matt, for writing what you did. Your timing was impeccable and I hope that he helps us. I hope it saves us.