Where do I go from here? Do I start over alone? Do I start over with my family intact? I can’t tell if I’m in the best position possible to make this decision or the worst.
I feel as though I’ve just been hit by a bus. I’m on emotional overload.
It was 9 years ago, almost to the day, that I became engaged. The man I was dating decided that I was wife material and he wanted to live the rest of his life with me. I, excitedly, shouted an obscenity when I saw the size of the ring he was giving me and said yes a hundred times, or so it seemed. I was on cloud nine because we were PERFECT! We talked, we communicated, we laughed, we enjoyed so many hobbies together.
Fast forward 7 years and things have CHANGED. Not entirely unexpected. We moved, we added 2 children, I changed my working status from full time to a stay-at-home-mom. His career took off like crazy and his ability to succeed when everyone else was failing was beyond what I could imagine.
We changed. Or maybe I changed and he stayed the same. We’ve decided that might be most accurate. My priorities changed from him and me to the kids and him and somewhere in the darkness I existed. I always expected as the kids got older this would change back to “normal”. I operated under the assumption that he would always be there to pull me out of the darkness when he noticed I was gone.
I started leaving US emotionally when he didn’t notice WE were no longer treading water, but drowning. I tried to bring it up. I did bring it up. I told him every reason I could think of that we were failing. I preached to the choir. He felt it too but never showed it. We argued and fought over this numerous times.
At some point you become numb. You become numb to the thought of your marriage being over. It makes me sad, of course, but not as sad as I thought it would. I’ve learned out to survive with my children on my own. I’ve figured out how to keep all of us alive and healthy on my own.
But I hurt. I hurt because I failed. I failed myself. I failed my kids. I’m not sure if I’ve failed my husband because I’m not sure he cares enough for it to be considered a failure. I want nothing more or less then to be loved by a man who loves our kids.
I want to be on his mind and I want to know it. I want to laugh with him. I want to raise a little hell with him. I want to raise our kids with him. I want to be the wife he wants. I want him to be my friend. I want him to listen. I want him to respond. I want to be considered.
It all came out. I let him in for the last time on what I wanted. I was prepared to hear him say he doesn’t want to fix us. I was prepared to say I wasn’t able to fix us. I had my plan in place in the event we were ready to admit our marriage was broken. I didn’t like it but I was accepting the fact that this is what it might be. And I was okay with that.
He noticed I was no longer angry. He noticed I was no longer mad. But he noticed my sadness. I didn’t yell or preach out my expectations of him. I simply stated that I didn’t know how to be the wife he wanted. And that I couldn’t pretend to be okay with who we were. Our kids deserve happy parents, whether they are living under the same roof or not. I don’t want the girls to see a Mother who is emotionally alone and sad and think that it’s okay. It’s not okay to feel alone in a marriage just because that is how they see their mother. I wish this on no one let alone my own daughters. They need to see a strong mother who loves her family just as much as she loves herself. I don’t want my son to think it’s okay to not emotionally support his wife. It’s not okay for the father to dismiss his role as a husband because the children come first. I have made it my life long goal to teach him how to respect and love his wife AND be a good father. By God I will not fail on this one.
It’s not okay to not be in love when your wife as long as she and the kids are happy and healthy.
He wants to be a better husband. He wants me to be by his side. He wants to try. He knows I’ve been trying for a long time and I’ve accepted the fact that I’ve done all I could. That hurts him. It doesn’t mean I am without fault, it simply means that I’ve thrown myself out there too many times and I’m done.
We have a long way to go but the door has a door stop in it to keep it open. We both know it will take just one slight nudge for it to slam shut.