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Insecure.  It’s an awful feeling.  I hate every minute of it.  

I can’t decide whether to blindly trust this man and believe every word or if I should go with my instinct.  But I’m so insecure that I fear that it’s shouting louder than he is.  I fear that I’m not allowing myself to believe him because of some dumb scenario I’ve concocted in my head.  

I fear being made a fool of.  I fear him feeling like he’s pulled the wool over my eyes.  He’s never actually “lied” to me before but I can say he’s not always been 100% truthful.  Ask me no questions, I tell you no lies.  I’m pretty good at investigating.  I’m pretty good at finding out the real motive behind the deal.  I think it’s because I’ve operated like this for so long.  It’s exhausting.  I’ve given it up.  

Basically it boils down to this:  The man never likes to attend social gatherings.  Never.  He hates talking to people.  We are invited to a Christmas party and in attendance will be his ex-girlfriend that he dated just before me.  I don’t hold a candle to her.  But he did end things with her to date me so maybe I’ve got something.  Or had.  Had is a better word.  He is excited to go.  He’s been talking about it non-stop and is willing to cut his own family’s Christmas party short to attend.  Um…..  wth?  I flat out ask if SHE is the only reason he’s so jacked up about going.  Of course he says no.  I expect that but I don’t believe it.  I tell him I don’t believe him.  He calls me ridiculous.  

Our relationship is so rocky that I’m actually paranoid about going.  I fear that I’ll get upset and jealous if he doesn’t pay enough attention to me and more to her.  I fear that this will just send me over the edge.  I don’t want it to.  I’m not sure I’m strong enough for this yet.  He tells me I’m going a bit overboard with this.  I’ve opted out.  He says fine.  He would rather be there by himself with our kids.  I was sort of hoping he would have asked me to go with him.  He seemed all too excited for me not to be there.