Insecure. It’s an awful feeling. I hate every minute of it.
I can’t decide whether to blindly trust this man and believe every word or if I should go with my instinct. But I’m so insecure that I fear that it’s shouting louder than he is. I fear that I’m not allowing myself to believe him because of some dumb scenario I’ve concocted in my head.
I fear being made a fool of. I fear him feeling like he’s pulled the wool over my eyes. He’s never actually “lied” to me before but I can say he’s not always been 100% truthful. Ask me no questions, I tell you no lies. I’m pretty good at investigating. I’m pretty good at finding out the real motive behind the deal. I think it’s because I’ve operated like this for so long. It’s exhausting. I’ve given it up.
Basically it boils down to this: The man never likes to attend social gatherings. Never. He hates talking to people. We are invited to a Christmas party and in attendance will be his ex-girlfriend that he dated just before me. I don’t hold a candle to her. But he did end things with her to date me so maybe I’ve got something. Or had. Had is a better word. He is excited to go. He’s been talking about it non-stop and is willing to cut his own family’s Christmas party short to attend. Um….. wth? I flat out ask if SHE is the only reason he’s so jacked up about going. Of course he says no. I expect that but I don’t believe it. I tell him I don’t believe him. He calls me ridiculous.
Our relationship is so rocky that I’m actually paranoid about going. I fear that I’ll get upset and jealous if he doesn’t pay enough attention to me and more to her. I fear that this will just send me over the edge. I don’t want it to. I’m not sure I’m strong enough for this yet. He tells me I’m going a bit overboard with this. I’ve opted out. He says fine. He would rather be there by himself with our kids. I was sort of hoping he would have asked me to go with him. He seemed all too excited for me not to be there.