After everything the husband and I have been through in the passed few weeks, I can say we are definitely better people now. I don’t know if I even know what that means.
Is it required to hit rock bottom before you can start to come up? I’d like to say that we’ve hit our rock bottom. I hope that it’s true. Because to me, if this is the bottom, I have still hope that we’ll come up for air. Together.
We never went to the party. We talked about it briefly. I apologized for being unfair in using the going away party as an excuse. It was the right thing to do (apologizing) and I’m not entirely certain it made the situation better or worse. He said that wasn’t the reason he didn’t want to go and followed it up with, “if you don’t want to go, we won’t go”. I know in wifespeak that means, “suck it up sally, we’re doin’ this” but in husbandease does it really mean just that? Does he really mean it’s up to me? I said I would go but I felt a little odd that we were invited to a family Christmas party, to which we are not family. He said we wouldn’t be the only friends, but I still felt odd without the fact that the ex was going to be there.
Regardless we didn’t go. The husband, in fact, lied to his friend about our plans and reason for not attending. I found this odd. Why didn’t he just tell him the truth? We really were out of town staying with family and a few glasses of wine into the afternoon he decided no one was going any where. But I digress.
I feel as though we are communicating at a much better level. He is willing to hear me out when I have a concern. I am trying to respect his boundaries on when to discuss his day and when not. (He never wants to talk about work with me because he wants to relax at home, not rehash his every move.) I am trying to keep him involved with the kids and schedules as much as I can. I am trying to work around his time so he can be with us, doing fun stuff when I can.
I still feel like I’m giving more than he is. I still feel like I’m the one pouring on the gorilla glue to this relationship. But it feels different. Maybe because he acknowledged that he knows I’ve been the one trying? It’s not like he isn’t doing anything. He is including me more in his conversations about his life outside of the house. It sure is nice to know what city he’s going to be traveling to or what case he’s working on or if he hired a new person at his office. So maybe this little bit of inside knowledge is enough to pacify me. Whatever it is, it’s working. It’s enough to get me through the day. It’s enough to make me want to try again.
I hope it lasts. I hope my separation plan becomes old and outdated and that no one cares.