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I think I’m floating.  I can’t say we are at the top of our game but I don’t think we are stuck in the mud either.  Is the middle really the happy place?  You know, the happy medium?  

If everything is going well, do you keep pushing to get better or do you relax a bit and see if you can maintain?  Or what about when you realize that you relaxed too much and you are sinking faster than you can kick?  The mud is getting closer?

I want him to be happy with us.  With me. With the kids.  With life.  I don’t think he is.  I think maybe a few of those work for him but not the whole package.  What to do with that?  He can’t pretend to love me.  I can’t live with that.  I want the real thing.  I think I deserve the real thing.  I don’t think pretending to love your spouse does anything for the kids like some believe it does.  A friend recently told me to “think of the kids.  Two parents are better than one, even if the one does everything….”  I just don’t believe this one bit.  In fact it scares the hell out of me.  You are a product of your teachings.  I want my husband to teach my son how to love his wife.  He needs to know what it looks like when a Mom and a Dad truly love and respect each other.  Same for my daughters.  I want them to know what it takes to be a good wife to their husband and what unconditional love is; what it looks like, what it feels like.  

You can’t fake love.  You can go through the motions but the emotions behind it aren’t there if the love isn’t there.  The unconscious gestures that take place when love is present.  You can’t make that up.  You can’t rehearse it.  

We are still chugging along.  Despite my thoughts on his happiness and love.  He’s open to more communication now and that’s helping me tremendously.  I’m  trying to being forthcoming with my feelings.  When I’m upset, I say it and I tell him why.  Even if we don’t have time to deal with it at the moment, I’m getting it out there.  We can then deal with it as we get a moment.  I just feel like we are only going through the motions and that makes me sad.

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