I think I’ve scared him. I didn’t intentionally do it. He is terrified that he’s one wrong move away from me taking the kids and moving out on our own. In a way he is. I guess. But I didn’t want to make it a situation where I’m up on a pedestal, waving the keys in front of him. It’s not like that. I am not with out fault.
There were days I’ve woken up and decided to not chose my marriage. I’ve waited for him to choose it. I’ve waited for him to show me that today was the day he was going to acknowledge me and validate my existence. It wasn’t going to happen.
We talked. For the first time we were completely honest with each other. I already had a plan b. He had no idea. He had no idea that I was that far gone. He had no idea that I had already thought about throwing in the towel. He found out. All of this was going on in his own house and he knew nothing. I was so disconnected that I didn’t even bother with mentioning to him for the thousandth time that I felt like I was more of a roommate to him than a wife. I just decided that I needed to plan for the worst and hope for the best. And that’s what happened.
For now I can say we are working on it. We’ve eliminated miles between us but there are more to go. He’s terrified that his work schedule as of late is making me want to pull away again. It’s not. It’s the feeling that I’m not enough for him. I told him this and he doesn’t yet understand. I should always know that I’m enough. Except I don’t. I’m a woman. One wrong move/word and you can throw that out the window. I need to know that every day he wakes up he wants me. Call me unreasonable but I don’t think that’s an unfair request. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to kiss me good bye every morning and have something behind it. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to come home and hug me and ask me how my day was. And actually listen to the answer.
He’s trying. It’s hard for him to change his routine. But I’ve created this monster and it took me 10 years to do it. Perhaps I should give him a few more than 10 days to fix it. Hope.