, , , , ,

This all makes me sad.  Over 10 years and I feel like it’s slipping through my fingers and I don’t know what to do.  

We don’t know what to do.

These past few weeks have been the worst and best weeks of my marriage.  Finally we are talking.  But I don’t like what we are saying.  Finally we are being honest to each other.  But I don’t want to hear the truth.  Finally.  I love hate it.

We both know we are both unhappy.  We both know we don’t want to give up.  We both know that we were once happy.  We both know we make each other miserable.  We both know that we are so lost and have no idea what to do next.  

My inner control freak is having a stroke over this.  I.do.not.know.what.to.do.next.  I don’t know what he wants to do.  I don’t know what I want to do.  I don’t fucking know anything!

Our sex life SUCKS.  It’s awful.  The past few times it’s been so much work.  I’m up trying to get some work done and he’s passed out in bed so early that I’ve barely had time to finish cleaning up after putting the kids to bed.  He gets up at the ass crack of dawn and I’m way too exhausted to move.  Lather Rinse Repeat.  I’ve made the best, most honest effort to get everything done earlier so I join him before he passes out.  It’s barely notice.  AHHHHHHHH.  What the f?!!?  I’ve finally asked and he says we are on opposite schedules.  He doesn’t feel very connected to me because our marriage is so rocky.  He releases the sexual tension on his own.  😦  Talk about a blow to the esteem.  Devastated.  

I can’t tell you the last time he’s said he loves me and there is actual emotion behind it.  I can’t tell you the last time he told me I was beautiful without someone else saying it first.  I NEED to hear him tell me he loves me.  I need to hear him tell me he thinks I’m beautiful.  He doesn’t think he needs to tell me because I should just know.  I don’t just know all of the time.  I “just know” the moment he tells me.  Than a whole pile of shit changes and I a few weeks later I sit wondering what the hell I did to make him not love me anymore.  I’m really making myself sound like a basket case….  I’m not that dramatic but perhaps once in a while he could tell me I look nice. 

I don’t know how to be the wife he wants me to be.  We both had this picture in our head, when we were married, of how our life would look at this point.  It’s not even close.  I know that to be true for both of us.  He imagine us living in a spotless mansion some place.  Nope.  I’m an awful organizer.  I don’t like clutter but when I don’t know what to do with something it sits on the counter.  This drives him batshit crazy.  So much that he says this is one of the reasons of the demise of our marriage.  How?  How can this be?  I’ll hire an organizer and a cleaning lady and magically my marriage will be saved??  

This is all so random.  

I’ve been so messed up (and rather sick to boot) lately that I did something I probably should not have done.  I saw Frank today.  I didn’t know what to do.  I still don’t.  I laid in bed last night thinking about him and how maybe seeing him would make me remember how far we’ve come.  That probably doesn’t make any sense.  Well I think it worked.  We didn’t meet for very long.  We talked about nothing but that was my plan.  I didn’t want to talk about us and the fact that we’ve basically abandoned anything we had.  We actually talked about running and the races we both signed up for.  In that he asked if my husband was running any with me.  When I said no, he stopped talking.  He asked me another question about him and when I told him he wasn’t around much, I think he understood.  He wished me well and away I went.  I honestly felt nothing but a genuine friendship.  Odd.  How did we get there?  I miss him.  I miss the relationship, not the secrecy of it, but the support.  

Right now my husband is away again.  When he left this morning we talked more.  He said he doesn’t want to give up but he doesn’t know what to do either.  He wants to keep talking but he doesn’t want me to keep crying about it.  I can’t decide if I’m sad for myself or sad for us.  I know I love him.  I know I want to fight for my marriage.  I think he does but not for the same reasons and that’s where I’m stuck.  

He wants to fight for our children to have their parents together under one roof.  That is very important to me.  But I’ve said it before, I don’t want them to see a pretend marriage and think that it’s OK.  It’s not.  

Perhaps I just need some sleep.