Distance makes the heart grow fonder. There is probably some truth to that. What if that distance is always there. Always. Does the heart still yearn for elimination of that distance or does it get used to being on it’s own and no longer realizes there is distance?
The husband is gone again. I miss him. I want to be with him. We’ve text quite a bit in the past two days. Pretty unusual… considering. I feel like the gap is closing even though he’s across the country from me. Odd, that when we were laying in bed the other night I felt like we were worlds apart.
Remember Mr. G. From way back when? He is gorgeous. He is very kind and generous. I see him practically every day. I could write a book about him. The past few months I’ve forced myself to stay clear of him in any other setting other than business. I’m so freakin vulnerable that any attention from the man will send me into a place I am daring myself to stay away from. I know where I’m tempted and I need a clear head to figure this crap out. The past week or so he’s challenging me. I think he sees my pain. It’s just how he is. It’s in his nature to be an empathetic, kind soul. You know…. what I want my husband to be a fraction of? He sees my kids and offers to help with them every chance he can. He helps me out with nearly everything I need an extra hand in doing (since I’m usually by myself with 3 kids). I must really look like a sight! Tonight we had a meeting. I knew he would be there. I also knew there would be a lot of other people there. I wasn’t worried. But we got there at the same time. I struggled to get us all through the parking lot because my son was easily distracted and tempted by these huge water puddles. He offered his hand to him to keep him out of trouble and dry (thank you!). He made sure they found their way to the back room where we were meeting. And then he walked to the opposite corner as I. Phew. I was so thankful for his help. I don’t even know if I said anything. I’m too afraid to start to talk to him for fear that I’ll fall victim. (He is married with a son just a month or so older than my youngest.) I feel as though I’m finally in a good place with Frank that I can’t do it. I’m not saying Mr. G has those intentions…. it’s just that my mind wanders. I did my best to avoid eye contact with him throughout the entire meeting. But when he talks, he talks to me. Ugh….. I don’t think he does it intentionally. After the meeting I was gathering all of our stuff. I was struggling once again to get everything together since I acquired sooooo much paperwork and had no where to put it. My older kids were running around and the baby was getting unsettled. He saw my pain. He just stared. I could see him watching me. I finally couldn’t take it anymore and looked back. Big mistake.
I came home tonight with my kids in tow. I had nothing ready but we knew we were carrying on our tradition of breakfast for supper when “daddy” is gone. Kids were excited and the baby wasn’t too crabby. All I wanted was someone to share it with. My heart was across the country. My head was still staring at Mr. G.