Another conversation took place. He’s so relieved that I bring this up to him because he never can do it himself. In a nut shell he’s acknowledged that he has no emotion. He doesn’t know why he can’t show me or tell me he loves me. He says he does. He sees how unhappy I am and it makes him angry; not a me, but at himself. It felt good for me to hear him say this. At least I no longer feel crazy. He said something that made me really sad. He said lately the thoughts that cross his mind is that I’m still young and there is still time for me to find someone else that will make me happy. I cry just thinking about this. I don’t want to find anyone else. I want him. He was completely honest with me. It was a great conversation for us to have.
I’m trying really hard to save us. He had to leave tonight for work and I am so lonely. Before he left we were sitting outside together watching our kids play. I asked him what he was thinking about and he just looked at me and said he was thinking about us. I knew he was thinking about us being separated. I could tell it in his eyes. I asked more about it but he said he didn’t want to talk about it. It made me feel awful. But I didn’t pressure him. He left and I was sad. I didn’t get a big goodbye but I did get a small hug & kiss.
I’m desperately searching for ways to make us still work. Finding new ideas on how to get us back. I’m trying to find a way for me to accept him for who he is.