Last night, a glass and a half of wine into our traditional Thursday night “date nights”, I decide to bring us up again.  It’s been on my mind so much about how it was left on Sunday that I couldn’t bare its weight any longer.  He really didn’t want to discuss it much but I think the more he did and the more he realized that I needed to that it just evolved into another discussion.

I explained to him that I felt so lonely.  And not as I have in the past but more so now because I feel as though he’s giving up on himself, which in turn means he’s giving up on us.  That makes me very sad and ever so lonely.  It pains him to think of himself as he is.  This is the example:

We had a wedding last weekend.  It was in a very small town and in a sort of odd looking establishment but it was nice inside and very simple.  Some people were dressed up nice and others were in a nice shirt and jeans.  Those dressed more casual didn’t stick out any more than those dressed up.  We knew quite a few people there but they weren’t people we normally hung out with.  (Mind you the night prior was when we had another long, deep conversation.)  My cousin and her husband were there.  She’s a decent looking woman that has an average build to her.  Her husband used to have an average build to him but over the past few years has put on a lot of weight.  He’s a wonderful man, very easy to talk to, a great dad to their son….. you get the picture.  Over the course of the night my husband is talking to a few people but obviously annoyed at being there and never once asks me to dance or do anything besides refill my drink.  Normally I would have left his side to mingle with long lost relatives but I felt as though I’d be leaving him hanging if I did.  He probably wouldn’t care because he’s not much of a talker anyway.  As the night wears on we leave and head home to our sleeping children.  We end our night with barely a kiss and “I love you, good night”.  Pretty standard…..

Last night during our conversation he says this, “I was so angry at myself during this wedding.  You were by far the prettiest woman in the place.  My wife is the most beautiful woman in the room and she is an awesome Mom and everyone loves her.  And it does nothing for me.  And I don’t know why.  I don’t know how to change that.  And it has nothing to do with you because you are the whole package.  It has to do with me and I don’t understand why I am the way I am.  I feel as though you would have no problem being with someone who is overweight & looks like your cousin’s husband if he had this charming, goofy personality.”

That made me happy and sad all at once.  It made me feel not good enough.  He has ridiculously high standards for everything he does.  I feel as though they are unattainable for me.  There is nothing I can do for him (even keeping the damn counters clean) that will change that.  It made me happy because he thinks of me that way.  I never knew he thought I was the most beautiful woman in the room.  

I did a lot of reading on this.  I looked back into his previous relationships and why they ended and who ended them.  He dated a girl for 7 years out of high school, through college.  She ended it with him because of this exact issue.  They lived together and one night she said she was going out on a date with someone else.  His pulse never changed.  All he wanted to know is if she was still going to foot the living expenses (she was already a working pharmacist and he was in year 3 of law school) and if he got to keep the dog.  The rest he couldn’t have cared less about.  His other relationships ended for similar reasons although one in there had him a bit upset because he really did care for the girl.  

I also looked into our past.  Was he always like this when we were dating?  Was I always like this?  What changed?   Obviously at one point we were in love so much that we decided to get married.  We talked about how divorce was not an option for us.  We would work through just about everything because we didn’t want to end up like his parents or so many that we’ve already seen.  We were both going into this marriage knowing it would work 100%.  And I know that sounds really dumb because who goes into a marriage thinking it might fail???  But believe it or not, I’ve known a few people to get married for the wrong reasons and rightfully admit it before saying “I do”.  We knew where we were going and we had it all planned out.  We even planned this part out….  3 kids and me being a stay at home mom, living out in the middle of nowhere and raising our kids this exact way.  What happened?  

I sometimes think it’s because it was so planned out we lost the spontaneity of it all.  He’s a very organized, well planned out person.  I am a fly by the seat of my pants type of person.  I don’t get all hyped up in the details weeks in advance.  I need a general direction and then I’m good.  

Last night I brought it all up and told him all of it.  He was upset that I am blaming myself for it.  Which partly I am.  But now I’m trying to fix it.  I don’t believe we are broken yet.  Just bent.  (I love that song by Pink & the guy from Fun.  Nate something I think.)  If I can get my head around what he’s really thinking and why he does what he does, perhaps I can straighten us out.  Part of him thinks it should be left alone to break because he’s broke.  He’s almost given up on himself so much that he wants me to go while I’m still young and have time to build something with someone who doesn’t have to try so hard to be a good husband.  But there is also a big part of him that doesn’t think he can let go because of what that would mean for our kids and another man in their life would absolutely crush him.  It completely breaks my heart to hear him say that.