When did it get to the point where one should expect something to happen NOW? No matter what it is I seem to expect either results or progress or something completely gratifying at the very instant I ask for it.
There has been A LOT of self reflection these past few days/weeks and perhaps months. But none more than during this last go ’round of struggles for the husband and I. I expect years worth of undoing to 180 themselves into this longing, loving, ever-standing dream of a marriage over the course of maybe a few weeks. I expect after a day or maybe two of chores for my kids to never be little limit testers ever again and be the Parents cover model children I expect them to be. I work out for a good 4 days in a row (and I mean hard, blood, sweat & tears type of workout) and I expect to seem some sort of chiseling to happen and….. nothing. A bit less bloat that makes me think I’m getting skinny again but that’s about it. It will be undone in a few hours/days when something stresses me out and I hit the grocery store bakery. Some how I don’t need patience for that.
At the conference last week that was attended by my husband (and his work wife, for those of you keeping score here) I expected him to some how change how he communicated with me. I’ve never told him of my discontent with his even worse communication when he’s some place with the WW. So just the pure fact of her going with I’m already expecting him to do even more. I type this and cringe at my logic here because obviously there is no way of him knowing this if I don’t tell him and there is no way for this to be fixed if I don’t state the problem that he doesn’t see… at all. But that part doesn’t matter, in my head I have this huge expectation for these few days and before the man even left, he failed. Thank you self reflection for making this obvious to me so the husband didn’t. I should really think things through a little more often.
Of course the days go by and I get some text from him. We had a security scare at home that left me a bit uneasy but we are all fine nonetheless and he did actually call me that night to talk about it a bit. I get some random text from him here and there in response to some that I have sent throughout the day. At the time this is all taking place I don’t even notice the improvement. This will come back to bite me. I am expecting a good night and/or good morning text from him because I can’t see how this CAN’T happen. I would actually say it to him if he were here. He keeps his phone by his side all night because it’s his alarm clock. Why on earth can’t he send SOMETHING quickly after he checks his messages & the weather???? Even after I send something to him????? Send me something or do something that makes me feel as though I’ve crossed your mind. I’m pleading with him for this. The last day and the day of his return I’m fuming. The kids are awful and my patience is gone. I hardly made it through the day because I just want to leave. I said things I never should have said to my kids and made them feel bad because I felt bad. In the worst way I wanted to tell them how much their Dad didn’t love me because he can’t even send a simple freakin’ text (let alone call me) when he’s gone to acknowledge my existence. But I don’t. That’s wrong. Way worse than me telling them I am leaving after he gets home because I need a break from them because they were so bad and misbehaved.
He came home and I left almost immediately after. He already knew I was leaving for the night but didn’t know where and assumed it was because the kids were so awful. Congrats husband, you got half of it right! As I said good bye to the kids my oldest was in tears begging me not to leave. She felt awful for being a brat and not listening to anything I said all day. My son was not really understanding nor caring because he is his Daddy’s best buddy and his best buddy just returned home from being gone for 4 days. He had no reason to be sad! (Cute in its own way!) The baby was actually doing great and she gave me snuggles when I said goodbye. None of this masked the sobs from my oldest daughter who was clearly having major issues with this. As I walked into the kitchen to say goodbye to them I realized he had set the table, including a place for me, and had the kids plates all prepared and the baby’s food cut up. He was helping the boy do something away from the table so I yelled goodbye to the boy and tried one last quick attempt at comforting my daughter and I left. I walked out the door feeling like the biggest failure. Tears in my eyes thinking this is how awful it would be if we divorced and I had to leave my kids, I started the car, put it in reverse and started to pull out of the garage. My husband came darting out asking me something. I couldn’t hear it. I opened my window and asked him to repeat it and he angrily waved me off and walked back in the house. My instinct was the go back and see what he wanted but I didn’t. I just left not wanting my kids to see or hear whatever exchange might take place.
I had no destination in mind. I needed to leave and make amends with my failed logic and prepare myself for what was next without even knowing what that might be. I didn’t know what to do. I drove for a while with nothing but awful thoughts in my head. I wanted to go home. I wanted to kiss my kids good night and tuck them in bed. I wanted to ease their troubled minds about the rough day we had and make them realize that tomorrow is another day and another chance to do the right thing. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t go back because I was fuming in my mind about how much he doesn’t love me. And I knew the second I would go back in the house I would feel the same way as I did when I left. I tried some retail therapy and it did not work. I spent 15 minutes looking at clothing racks and he wouldn’t leave my mind. We wouldn’t leave my mind. I wasn’t hungry even though I failed to eat most of the day. I didn’t want to meet friends out for drinks. I wanted to be alone with my thoughts but I didn’t want to be away from home.
When did I get so impatient? Sure, we’ve been talking about this for a few years now but I think it’s only been a few months that we’ve been completely honest with how we felt or what we thought the problem might be. Or at least that’s how I feel. I’ve prayed and prayed hard about this situation and the clarity that is coming with that is scaring me. I am seeing passed the obstacles and getting down the smallest grains of our social being. It’s all making sense but I don’t know how to change it. And worse than that, I am expecting it to change rapidly. And piled on top of that I am expecting it to be perfect.
I did come home after he sent me a text asking what the hell was going on and where did I go and such. I felt he sent it out of obligation rather then actually wanting to know or caring. Either way. I apologized. I forced the conversation out of him even though he really didn’t want to discuss it. He felt our communication while he was gone was great. He felt he did way more than he normally does and made a very conscience effort to do so and felt very unjustified about my thinking it sucked. He feels as though he’s made more efforts into showing his love for me in every day life as well (not just when he’s away). He makes sure he kisses me goodbye when he leaves and the same when he returns. He makes sure he checks in at least once throughout the day to see how things are going. Thankfully my head-clearing adventure allowed me to slow my brain down enough to control mouth and I was able to talk with him with a reasonable amount of emotion to find the answers to these questions. I sometimes lack this ability and there is no good that comes from that.
After we talked I realized that he is trying. He’s trying slowly. More slowly than I want him to try. But it’s not intentional. It’s just not how I perceive it should be and therefore he’s failing. We went to bed comfortable with each other in what was said. He really does think he’s doing better but he sucks at this. He really does. I think “normal” couples would agree with me. Hell, even he agrees with me. But there is a part of me that thinks if he knows he sucks at it then why doesn’t he do something about it? Am I wasting my time thinking he’s trying as hard as he can? Am I being made a fool by giving him the benefit of the doubt so often and he’s giving me nothing?? I fear being bulldozed and run over and controlled by him just because he can’t stand the thought of another man in his children’s lives.
I pray like crazy that I am doing the right thing. I pray that God is with me and I am following this path as I should be. I dream of the day where he finally says, “Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for not giving up on us and holding us together…..” I don’t know when this day will come or if it will come or what it will look like. I hope I can find the patience to wait for it to arrive.