Back in a previous life I was a business professional. I had a great career. I was a project manager for an I.T. Dept. for a local manufacturing company that had many locations in the U.S. and Canada. I had worked there all 13+ years of my professional life. Although I hated my boss I liked my job. I gave it all up to support my husbands career (he makes way more $$ than I ever would have) and to raise our children. I don’t regret being home with my kids or supporting my husbands career. Part of my job was designing infrastructure in office; some new construction and some remodels. I know my stuff when it comes to communications and electrical infrastructure.
A few months back my husband and I purchased a commercial building. He needed a bigger office. The investment was there. We did it. I gathered financial information at his request and promptly got it in to the right hands. As the financial centers complicated the crap out of our loan it finally came to fruition. In the mean time he spent hours with architects & builders trying to get his new work space created. He told me about it here and there. Before I knew it the plans were in place and demolition began. The next thing I knew the new construction had started and he was more miserable than ever. Turns out he didn’t realize renovating a building was expensive and there is ALWAYS something that will come up. You can do every inspection possible but when the walls start coming down and the floors start getting lifted and your building was originally built in 1895… yep. It’s going to happen. Fast forward to now…. In random conversation I find out he’s signed over $50k in change orders that we are responsible for… the money for them is NOT configured into the loan. Huh. Upon asking where he thought that money would come from he responded with “our savings”. Huh. That’s a pretty big chunk of change to assume is just available waiting to be spent. I also find out that everything with this new office has been decided by him and his work wife. The entire building was designed by them and I’ve never even seen it. And for the record some of these change orders were because the communications & electrical infrastructure was not configured correctly. Had I actually seen the plans ahead of time I’m pretty sure I could have caught that. He ordered this Cadillac type phone system with a million features and none of which he’ll use. But he bought it anyway because they had a good phone system. And I’ll also add…. he didn’t bother to get multiple bids on anything. Again – all things I would have made sure were done.
A few weeks ago I went to a fund raising event with a bunch of women. These women are wives of professionals in our city that are crucial to know if you want to get anywhere in this town. They belong to these organizations that are a bit much for me but seeing as how it’s essential to get to know this group of people for my husbands business I’ve given in to attending. I don’t mind actually. I stay home with my children. I have no life. My brain is turning to mush. This gives me a chance to talk about something that doesn’t revolve around my children, diapers and ABC’s. I was being introduced to these women and the first topic that comes up leads to my husbands new office. I know absolutely nothing about it. I don’t even know when they are moving in. I’ve driven by it once. All of this information is essential. One would think that being his wife and part owner of this building that I might know something. Nope.
I’ve still never seen this building. I’ve never been there. It’s almost done. I have people asking me on a weekly basis about this office and I know NOTHING about it. But you know who knows everything? You know who’s been there since day one planning and picking out paint colors???? The work wife. She’s one of four associates in the office. None of the other associates are there picking this out. None of the other associates are clued in, in the least about this office. In fact it was never even announced that they were even getting a new office. It just so happens our sister-in-law is my husbands secretary and so I had talked to her about the new building. She had no idea what I was talking about. She asked a few others in the office (my husband is the “boss” of this entire office). Nope. No one knew anything about. Except the work wife. She knew exactly what was going on.
I am beyond humiliated. I feel like such a fool. We had people over to our house and all the women were talking and just when there was a break in the silence I had one woman ask me about the new office. It’s as if the entire room stopped and looked at me. I looked back to my husband and I wanted to cry. Of course I panicked. All I could mutter out was that “I guess it’s starting to come together.”
I may have let out a bit of frustration to my sister-in-law and she informed me that I am not alone in this emptiness. She said the entire office is lost and confused while my husband and the work wife have it all planned out. It seems as though they’ve created this pedestal that those they reside on. And his work wife has always had a chip on her shoulder. My every thought of her is her sitting up high and looking down at me and laughing.
I am so angry. I’ve lost sleep. I’ve put on my happy face. I’ve tried dozens of times to talk to my husband and try to pry my way in. If told him months ago that I am feeling so left out and how much I could have helped him with this. We’ve wasted thousands of dollars. I could cry just thinking of that alone. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t think the money is a big deal. He’s realized what he’s done wrong and he’s learning a lot. He says he’s not intentionally keeping me from all of it but he doesn’t really think about it and he’s so busy that he doesn’t see it. He says since I don’t work there, why would I care??? I’m your f*cking wife. How about that for a reason. Everything I do is for you and the kids. Everything.
I’ve resolved to never bring up the work wife. I knew the simple mention of it would send him over the edge in ways that wouldn’t need to happen. I knew that bringing her up, even once, would result in an endless separation between us. He would never again want to talk about her to me. And I didn’t want that. The little information I get is better than no information.
All of this led to an explosion.
I woke up this morning fuming. Still. How is this possible? Before I rolled over or even looked at the time I decided I was going to have to say something. I rolled over and my husband was gone. He went hunting. I grabbed my phone. I text him how upset I was. I told him I was once again terrified to talk to him. He said he understood and he would take me to the office today. But that wasn’t going to fix it. I told him he makes me feel like a lowly office minion of his and he treats me the same as them. I am no a need to know basis with everything. That is not acceptable. It’s not healthy. He told me I was wrong to think that way. Really??? How I feel is wrong?? I’m sorry but who are you to say how I feel is wrong. It’s how I feel?!?! What’s wrong about that? He told me it was over the top. I was so upset. So upset. I did it. I let it all out. I told me he treats me the same as the office staff. We know exactly the same information and I’m actually part owner of this place. And then it happened…. “… seems like it might as well be you and [work wife] owning the building because that is the only people allowed to know what is going on….”
He came in from hunting the same time the kids woke up. He had plans for us for the day. I was carrying through with those plans even though I would have loved to just stay home. It took one look at me and I couldn’t even look in his direction I was so upset. He wanted to know what happened that all of a sudden I was so upset. I said few words.
We went about our day. I was upset all day. He had to travel today. He hates Sunday travel and a very upset wife didn’t help. I got a text a few hours after he left asking “If the goal was to make this the worst sunday ever as retribution for a lack of involvement in the new office, you’ve succeeded.”
Yes husband, that was my goal. I will make your life a living hell until I get what I want. Seriously????? On October 10 we will have been together for 11 years; married for 8 of them. In those 11 years you think this was my goal…. I’m more sad now than upset.