I went to see his new office. I had intentions of driving past it without him but after he “invited” me I needed to go with him. I was interesting. It’s a very unusual place. It’s nice and odd all at the same time. Nothing really flows well for me but maybe that’s the point? I did my best to not be critical. He knew I was being critical in my head anyway and was angry.
When I left there I felt like I was leaving the scene of the crime. My heart was empty. I knew it would be. I was upset and did my best to contain it. I cried myself to sleep that night. I cried because he continues on without a care in the world on how I feel about it. He says it’s not intentional but how can something be done repeatedly, after I’ve told him how it makes me feel, not be intentional? I don’t get it.
I woke up angry. I hate waking up angry. I went to the basement to workout. I hate working out angry. So much energy is spent on my emotions that I can hardly move. I finished and went up to shower. He was just about to leave and opened the shower door to apologize for making me feel bad. His words, “obviously I didn’t intend to make you feel that way.” My response, “that is not obvious to me.” He searched my eyes for clues on if I was mad or sad. I could tell he left confused. I didn’t hear a word from him all day.
Last night I was so exhausted I feel asleep almost immediately. I couldn’t get Frank’s face out of my mind. I wasn’t even thinking of him. At all. All I wanted to do was be in a happy place with no hurt feelings and anger. Apparently his face was it because no matter how hard I tried to think of something else my subconscious wouldn’t allow any other image but his. To be honest, it was almost annoying. How does that even happen?
I woke up not angry. I woke up listing possible disasters that will happen with his new office move. I laid there listing at least a dozen high priority issues that must be double checked in order to avoid catastrophic failure. Then I laid there for a while wondering what to do with these thoughts. Do I tell him? Do I tell his secretary ( my SIL) who is planning this entire thing? I know it all rests on her shoulders and if it goes bad they will all look to her. She is a great friend aside from my SIL so I don’t want any of this to happen to her. But he’s made it clear that none of this needs to be my concern. What do you do with visions of a train wreck before it happens? Aren’t you supposed to tell someone? But what if you’ve tried repeatedly to help and they don’t want your help?
I hate this. I absolutely hate this. Worst of all my kids are taking the brunt of this and they shouldn’t. None of this is their fault. I am angry at my husband and they get an angry mom. It’s not fair to them. They are all off of school today. I get to spend all day with them. But I’m exhausted already and they aren’t even awake. This sucks.