Tags

, , , , , , , ,

I went to see his new office.  I had intentions of driving past it without him but after he “invited” me I needed to go with him.  I was interesting.  It’s a very unusual place.  It’s nice and odd all at the same time.  Nothing really flows well for me but maybe that’s the point?  I did my best to not be critical.  He knew I was being critical in my head anyway and was angry.

When I left there I felt like I was leaving the scene of the crime.  My heart was empty.  I knew it would be.  I was upset and did my best to contain it.  I cried myself to sleep that night.  I cried because he continues on without a care in the world on how I feel about it.  He says it’s not intentional but how can something be done repeatedly, after I’ve told him how it makes me feel, not be intentional?  I don’t get it.

I woke up angry.  I hate waking up angry.  I went to the basement to workout.  I hate working out angry.  So much energy is spent on my emotions that I can hardly move.  I finished and went up to shower.  He was just about to leave and opened the shower door to apologize for making me feel bad.  His words, “obviously I didn’t intend to make you feel that way.”  My response, “that is not obvious to me.”  He searched my eyes for clues on if I was mad or sad.  I could tell he left confused.  I didn’t hear a word from him all day.

Last night I was so exhausted I feel asleep almost immediately.  I couldn’t get Frank’s face out of my mind.  I wasn’t even thinking of him.  At all.  All I wanted to do was be in a happy place with no hurt feelings and anger.  Apparently his face was it because no matter how hard I tried to think of something else my subconscious wouldn’t allow any other image but his.  To be honest, it was almost annoying.  How does that even happen?

I woke up not angry.  I woke up listing possible disasters that will happen with his new office move.  I laid there listing at least a dozen high priority issues that must be double checked in order to avoid catastrophic failure.  Then I laid there for a while wondering what to do with these thoughts. Do I tell him?  Do I tell his secretary ( my SIL) who is planning this entire thing?  I know it all rests on her shoulders and if it goes bad they will all look to her.  She is a great friend aside from my SIL so I don’t want any of this to happen to her.  But he’s made it clear that none of this needs to be my concern.  What do you do with visions of a train wreck before it happens?  Aren’t you supposed to tell someone?  But what if you’ve tried repeatedly to help and they don’t want your help?

I hate this.  I absolutely hate this.  Worst of all my kids are taking the brunt of this and they shouldn’t.  None of this is their fault.  I am angry at my husband and they get an angry mom.  It’s not fair to them.  They are all off of school today.  I get to spend all day with them.  But I’m exhausted already and they aren’t even awake.  This sucks.

Advertisements