It is impossible to put into words what I have been through in the past week. Perhaps “The Whole Story” will be a future post. I am confused and scared and happy and grateful all at one time.
My husband has finally decided to open up to me. Fully. Honestly. His guard has finally come down. I am eternally grateful for this. This does not come without a price. I am struggling. I am struggling with everything I know.
I basically forced him to talk to me with complete honesty. He finally cracked. It was and is very painful for both of us. In a nut shell he admitted to me that he is not in love with me how a husband should love a wife. He loves me as if I were his sister. Since he’s an only child and has never had a sibling to know what this might be like; it’s the best he can describe it. He can’t be intimate with me without feeling like it’s wrong.
The worst or best part is I know exactly what he is feeling. I felt like this in a previous relationship. It was absolutely awful. The circumstances are much different with my husband and I than they were with my previous relationship but the feelings were there. When he finally told me this and I was able to tell him I knew exactly what he was feeling….. he was relieved. He was relieved that I didn’t just kick him out of bed and completely push him away. I ran away from my previous relationship when this happened. I dated a guy for 6 years and one day I felt like I was dating my brother. I literally ran away from it. This is what scares the hell out of me. But it explains soooooo much. So much. It’s been the missing piece to our puzzle.
I don’t want to lose my husband but I don’t know if this can be fixed. I’ve let him know that I will not pressure him to be with me in ways that make him feel uncomfortable. We’ve decided to continue on this path of conversations between ourselves and evaluate in a month to see if we should seek professional help.
I am being tested in every possible facet of my life right now. I feel like my world is crashing down around me at the same time I feel like the fog has lifted and it’s just cloudy and over cast. My faith in God has never been more necessary. I can’t tell you how many times I have just stopped what I was doing and prayed.
I wish this nightmare would end. I wish I could just wake up in the morning and pretend none of this ever happened. If you are the praying type, I’d appreciate a few.