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It is impossible to put into words what I have been through in the past week.  Perhaps “The Whole Story” will be a future post.  I am confused and scared and happy and grateful all at one time.

My husband has finally decided to open up to me.  Fully.  Honestly.  His guard has finally come down.  I am eternally grateful for this.  This does not come without a price.  I am struggling.  I am struggling with everything I know.

I basically forced him to talk to me with complete honesty.  He finally cracked.  It was and is very painful for both of us.  In a nut shell he admitted to me that he is not in love with me how a husband should love a wife.  He loves me as if I were his sister.  Since he’s an only child and has never had a sibling to know what this might be like; it’s the best he can describe it.  He can’t be intimate with me without feeling like it’s wrong.

The worst or best part is I know exactly what he is feeling.  I felt like this in a previous relationship.  It was absolutely awful.  The circumstances are much different with my husband and I than they were with my previous relationship but the feelings were there.  When he finally told me this and I was able to tell him I knew exactly what he was feeling…..  he was relieved.  He was relieved that I didn’t just kick him out of bed and completely push him away.  I ran away from my previous relationship when this happened.  I dated a guy for 6 years and one day I felt like I was dating my brother.  I literally ran away from it.  This is what scares the hell out of me.  But it explains soooooo much.  So much.  It’s been the missing piece to our puzzle.

I don’t want to lose my husband but I don’t know if this can be fixed.  I’ve let him know that I will not pressure him to be with me in ways that make him feel uncomfortable.  We’ve decided to continue on this path of conversations between ourselves and evaluate in a month to see if we should seek professional help.

I am being tested in every possible facet of my life right now.  I feel like my world is crashing down around me at the same time I feel like the fog has lifted and it’s just cloudy and over cast.  My faith in God has never been more necessary.  I can’t tell you how many times I have just stopped what I was doing and prayed.

I wish this nightmare would end.  I wish I could just wake up in the morning and pretend none of this ever happened.  If you are the praying type, I’d appreciate a few.

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