It’s as though someone has hit the pause button on me these days. I feel so many emotions that I can not not move. I’ve definitely hit a junction point and I have no idea which way I should go.
I’ve taken the last week to really reflect on myself and my husband. I’ve done this many, many times before but apparently my mind has always looked back differently. We’ve discussed countless times on how we feel like we are roommates and not lovers. I’ve selfishly looked at this problem as one he was creating for us because I am fully dedicated to this marriage. I put in 110% of who I am into it and he puts in like 30% on a good day. He’s agreed it’s his problem.
But the point we were missing was he was telling me this because all he wants is for me to happy. I’ve complained about his relationship with the kids. I’ve complained about this and that and everything he has done was to try and fix it the best he knew how. In doing this he gave up his own happiness because he never cared how he felt. He never cared if he wasn’t happy so as long as his kids and wife were happy. This has in turn created this huge resentment for me and because he’s so good at shoving his emotions away he refused to believe it until one day he’s so upset that he can no longer look at me without feeling disgust. And that, folks, is where we are today. The short version of it anyway.
At least that is how I perceive it. We have yet to sit down and have this conversation because our schedules are not allowing it. That hasn’t been a bad thing because it’s given each of us time to step back and think about how we really want to go about this. But it’s not good because I have a lot of unanswered questions about us and our relationship and I am not a patient person. I want to ask now!
He is a very strong person in mind and in body. He is incredibly smart. He is a Marine. And damn it, Marine’s don’t feel emotion!! Especially ones that have done what he has done and been through what he has been through. But that’s just on the outside. Marine’s do feel emotion just the same as any other person with a soul. I apparently have seemed to forget about that.
I tried to go back through the archives in my head and find a time where we were happy and healthy. It’s been a while. Back then I took his needs into consideration. He will be the first to tell you that he doesn’t require much in the emotional relationship department. But he does. And I knew it then and took action to make sure those needs were met. Apparently my own needs and the needs of the kids took over and I lost him in the wake. It’s no wonder we are where we are today.
I am incredibly sad. I am embarrassed. I am fearful. I am lonely. I am praying I can undo the years of being so blind.