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I still don’t know.  There are days when I feel like I know exactly where I am and where I’m going.  Those days make me feel like I’m walking on the right path.  There are other days when I feel like I’m stuck.  I’m in a hole.  I can’t see where I’m going and I have no idea if I’m even looking in the right direction, let alone walking there.

We’ve had a number of really great conversations.  He’s honest with me.  It’s what keeps me going.

Basically it’s this:  he doesn’t understand why he doesn’t love me like a husband should love a wife.  He loves me.  He would do anything for me.  He thinks I’m beautiful, smart and the best mother our kids could ever dream of.  He’s told me this countless times.  Yet when it comes to SHOWING me he loves me he has nothing.  He only tells me any of this when we are talking about how we feel and I ask him if he’s sure he loves me.

I’ve talked to him about why I think the way he is.  It’s a big combination of a few things.  The short story is I think he doesn’t know how to be the husband he thinks he needs to be.  His parents divorced when he was 3 or 4 years old.  His Mom remarried but years after he graduated from high school.  His Dad dated a lady for a number of years but never wanted to remarry and she did.  Either way, neither parent has ever been involved with a spouse to show him what a ‘normal’ husband and wife relationship looks like.  Still, to this day, his parents show little emotion to their spouse or even other family members.  (This is odd for me because my parents are still together and I’ve always known my Dad to show & tell my Mom that he loves her.)  The other part is that I’ve developed some sort of resentment because of things I don’t really recall but some where along the way I don’t feel that he respected me.  I started to blame him for everything that was wrong with us.  I stopped showing him I loved him & appreciated him.  I stopped loving him how I started loving him.

After realizing all of this I’ve been able to remove myself from our conversations and fully listen and understand him when he talks.  He finds this amazing.  I should be devastated.  I am.  I really am.  But I’m also aware of my actions and feel as though I need to get back to I am.  I am proud of him.  I do appreciate him.  I do love him. I also feel that if he can’t talk without judgement, he’ll stop.  Who wouldn’t??  But he feels safe with me because I’m not losing it at every word he says.  I’m not making him feel less than human for feeling like he does.  I am giving him a chance to figure out who he is and what he feels is right and wrong with our marriage.

I’m devastated at the person I looked back and saw.  It saddens me to see my friends being so supportive and appreciative of their husband and me holding on to resentment that didn’t need to be there.  I wish I knew exactly what it was.  I can’t pinpoint it.  But I’m OK with that for now.  As much as I want to know, I also want to move forward.  I feel as though I looked backward just enough to move forward.

The next question is to figure out if we need to see a professional.  We are talking and communicating open and honestly.  We are doing it as often as we see fit.  i can’t believe a therapist would have us doing anything different.  I don’t know.

The other dynamic was Frank.  Yes, Frank.  I think of him.  I think that if I hadn’t met him how my feelings towards my husband would have been different.  I feel as though I met him at my most vulnerable time.  I’m thankful for our friendship yet I’m sad I’ve allowed him in as far as I did.  I was at his office last week on a quick errand.  For the first time I was hoping I wasn’t going to run into him.  I wanted to see him but from a distance.  Luck would have it that I didn’t see him at all and I was OK with that.  I was supposed to go back the other day but rescheduled a few appointments so I didn’t have time to get there.  I do need to return there but I’ve dodged the bullet for another month.  The last time I talked to him I wasn’t aware of the majority of my problems.  He was happy for me and was concerned for my well being.  I felt that he really did care for me aside from our past emotional connections.  This is what makes me value our friendship.  Either way, when I see him next month (which I’m certain I will), I plan on letting him know the husband and I are in need of healing and repair and that I’m committed to fixing us.  I love my husband.  I really, really do.  I can not imagine my life without him.  Or maybe I can and it makes me so miserable that I refuse to let it happen.

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