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He wants me to get help.  For myself.  He knows he needs help but he’s not sure he’s ready for it.  He wants to us to make it.  Mostly for the kids.  It’s 5 days until I need to decide.

The Changes I See

He helps a lot around the house.  He’s helping me clean up.  He’s doing laundry.  He helps with dishes.  He helps put the kids to bed.  All unprovoked.  Of course I notice but I don’t say anything other than “thank you”.   He comes home from work and sits down at the table.  He tells me about his day.  He asks the kids to be patient while he talks to me.  It’s 4 days until I need to decide.

I try to maintain his helpful pace.  I have so much to do.  I am drowning in work that needs to be done.  I am scatterbrained by nature.  Nothing is getting accomplished.  I am frustrated.  I am anxious.  He starts to pull away.  Anxiety has hit it’s peak.  I break down over him throwing away the kids Christmas ornaments from this year even after we specifically talked about keeping them regardless of how ugly and random they were.  He is demanding we rid ourselves of all kid items.  I’m not ready.  I can’t do it all.  I give away 90% of it but some I’m too attached to.  Partly because our kids are all we have of US.  During my breakdown I tell him this.  He has no response.  I’ve never felt more alone.  It’s 2 days until I need to decide.

I have a medical issue after child #3 that gives me a permanent baby belly.  It’s embarrassing.  It’s humiliating.  I’m still in denial.  I will get rid of it.  Despite my exercise and dieting it will never go away without surgery.  It’s given me 10 extra pounds that I lash out at every chance I get.  I hate my body.  I hate it.  He has always been about a physical appearance.  He’s always wanted a fit wife.  I’ve always been a fit wife.  This changed.  I’ve tried with all my mite to fix it without surgery.  Now he tells me he doesn’t care how I look.  But I also know he doesn’t love me the same.  Of course he doesn’t care.  Yet when talking about other people, their physical appearance is his first notation.  He tells me he’s not that shallow.  I don’t think he’s shallow I just think it’s something that is important to him.  Since my body has obviously changed and I no longer have a shape, I feel that I now disgust him.  He says no.  I say it’s easy to say that when you no longer really lust for someone anyway.  Of course you don’t care what I look like.  I’ve never felt more alone.  It’s 1 day until I need to decide.

The Day

I wake up already determined that regardless of what he says or how he acts, I will be finding someone to talk to.  He’s not mentioned ‘this’ for days now.  I know he’s thinking about it.  I decide I will not discuss it with him.  I don’t want him to change my mind.  He calls me 3 times before noon.  This never happens.  Yet he does not have much to say to me.  I am in the parking lot for my meeting with my confidant.  My phone rings again.  It’s him.  Finally he speaks….  he says we haven’t talked about what my decision was and he wants me to do whatever I feel I need to do for me; regardless of how I think he feels.  He was shocked to know I had already made up my mind and his ‘feelings’ were thought of but in the end I needed this for me and regardless of what he wanted me to do, I was going to go to this meeting.

The Talk

This was one of the most difficult things I’ve had to do.  I’ve never told a single person we were having issues.  A million reasons why.  I chose him because he’s a good person.  He’s a good listener.  He’s very deep in his faith.  He’s compassionate.  He talks to me with such great honesty.  I respect his opinions more than anyone else.  I know he has my best interests in mind.  He’s every thing I wish my husband was.  He is also very similar to my husband.  Ironic is many ways.

We talked for an hour.  I could go over every detail but the point is I finally confided in someone.  Someone I truly respected.  And after that I felt like a whole new person.  He asked me probably a million questions.  I did my best to explain without going into the boring details.  He confided in me regarding him and his wife having similar issues.  He trusted me with information regarding their journey.  This is very private information.  But he knew it would help me.  He knew he could trust me.

I left that meeting feeling hope.  I always choose hope.

I love my husband.  While he didn’t really enjoy the conversation I had with the other man he did feel better knowing I felt better.  He’s a bit confused at the relationship between me and this other person since it’s a bit unconventional.  He also knows I’ve been 100% honest with him about it.

I have the name and number of a therapist.  We’ve been playing phone tag for 2 days now trying to connect to set up our initial meeting.  The husband continues to ask if I’ve set something up.  He anxious to see where this takes us.  As am I but at least I feel better knowing I’ve done exactly what I needed to do for me.  For once.