, , , ,

I’ve been trying to figure out when shit started to go bad.  How?  When? Why?  What the hell happened????

He had one long term relationship.  He just told me he started feeling the same way in that relationship.  Great.  That relationship sucked.  Even more great.  Regardless our situation is different. We aren’t in college, 20 years old and not childless.  We matter to people other than ourselves.  Little people.

I want to feel loved.  Appreciated.  Wanted.  Like I matter.  Needed.  I need to be a part of something.

12 years ago I was single.  I had a good job.  I was successful.  I owned my own house.  I had my own money.  I had many friends.  I was good.  I wanted to find someone.  I wanted Mr. Right.

11 1/2 years ago I met a guy who was everything I wanted in a man.  I felt complete.  It was immediate that I knew I wanted to marry him but I knew I really wanted to invest my time in him.  And I did.

10 years ago he proposed.  He was also leaving to fight in the Iraq War for the USMC.  Terrified is hardly the word for how I felt.  I hated and still hate 2005.

9 years ago he came home from Iraq.  We were thrilled that our wedding day was actually going to happen.

8 3/4 years ago we go married.  It was a wonderful day.  Most of it.  He got wasted drunk with his Iraq buddies.  It took me a long time to forgive him.

8 years ago I got pregnant.  Child number one.

7 years ago child number one was born.

6 years ago I went from full time to part time.  This was hard for me.  He wanted it.  I did to but not nearly as much as he did.  We both had very unrealistic expectations for what this meant.

5 years ago I got pregnant again.  Child number two.

4 1/2 years ago child number two was born.

2 1/2 years ago I quit work all together.  Child number one was on her way to 4k.  I needed to transport & child care in new city was double what I paid in old city.

2 years ago I got pregnant again.  Child number three.

1 year ago child number three was born.

Some place between going to part time and after child number two being born shit started going wrong.  I’m starting to think that I started to resent him for taking my identity away from me and forcing me to stay at home.  I had no idea what staying home meant.  I had no idea what my life would turn into.  Whatever I thought it would be like wasn’t it.  At all.  But it’s what he needed me to do.  Part of it is also that my job was all I would ever have in terms of a career.  I made the choice to only have a 2 year degree.  I worked for this company for 13 years.  I have experience but no degree.  That’s a huge deal for companies.  I was basically unemployable once I left my previous job.  This did NOT sit well with me.  But it’s only now that I’m realizing how big that ‘NOT’ was.  I felt disrespected then and it was just  tiny snow ball.  It’s now a mammoth sized abominable snow man.  Not that I don’t have a job but that I felt disrespected.  I’ve used his successful career against him because he was becoming awesome and I was just dumb stay at home mom.  He knew successfull and professional people.  I knew the secretary of the school and PSO president.  Did I mention that I’m a very competitive person and darn near refuses to lose??

So anyway…  I’m babbling.  Therapy session number two is on Monday.  I almost want to see if I’m right??! 😉