, , , , ,

It started out good.  I bought a new dress for an event this weekend.  I like the dress, just hate how I look in it.  Even with spanx I feel like a giant blob.  I’m still 10lbs heavier than my normal weight and at my heaviest ever (aside from pregnancy).  I literally hate myself judging solely upon my body image.  Of course I had a mental breakdown over it.  I just want to be back to normal.  So much wasted time & energy trying to get back there to find out I’ve only been making my diastasis worse.

I tell my husband this.  After the kids go to bed he starts to talk about it but doesn’t understand.  He says he’ll do whatever he can to help me.  He says this laying in bed, speaking away from me.  I’m sobbing because I hate where we are and I hate myself.  I finally fall asleep.  I wake up moments before his alarm goes off.  I try to fall back to sleep but can’t shake the images and negative feelings.  I’ve gotten up, put my workout clothes on.  Tears are still streaming down my face as if they never stopped in the night.  I pull myself together and go out in the kitchen by him to get my water before I head down to the workout room.  He asks if I feel better.  Nope.  I feel worse.  He wants to know why.  Hmmmmm….. it’s a mystery.

As I’m working out he comes down to say goodbye to me.  He wants to know why I’m so angry with him.  I’m not angry with him for any other reason then I’m angry with myself, I hate how I look and I’m a sobbing mess and…….  he tells me he’ll help me find a way to fix it.  I WANT A GOD BLESSED HUG AND FOR YOU TO TELL ME IT WILL BE OK.  EVERYTHING.  THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE OK.

We talk about it a bit.  He gives me a halfassed hug.  I’m too messed up to workout.  We go up and talk some more.  And he still can’t believe I feel this awful.  He asks if there is anything he can do.  I tell him I want a hug and I want it all to be ok.  He gives me a hug & says nothing.  I ask why it’s so un-natural for him to comfort me or hug me.  He has no idea.  He just didn’t think about it.

To say I want to just give up is an understatement.  I want to break us now so we can get on with the healing process.

Ironically we had session 4 today.  It was useless.  We brought this up along with a few other things and it was just more threads added to our tapestry.  I don’t think she even knows what to do with us.  I feel like it’s so scattered around that she’s not even sure where to begin.  We are on a break until March.  We meet individually twice and then again as a couple.  I can’t even think of that yet.  I can hardly see the end of today muchless sessions in March.