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Since my Valentine’s Day meltdown I’ve been pretty well.  My husband is not.  He is not well.  I would give anything to see him happy right now.  It makes me so sad.

We’ve talked a lot.  He’s tried to talk to me.  He’s so terrified of hurting me more that he doesn’t want to say any more.  I can’t tell you how much more that hurts me.  My head goes to the darkest depths of the ocean on it’s own and is usually far worse than reality.  Regardless…..

I have little to no support.  My family has never known what to do with me.  They still don’t know what to do with me.  I have a few friends but not a single good rock to lean on.

I’ve expressed how the only secret it a good marriage is to give yourself your husband or wife.  Give them all of you.  You always end up receiving way more that you give if two people can truly do this.  He’s not sure he’s buying it.  I’m not sure he gets what I mean.

I’ve been an awful wife through the years.  I’ve had many destructive thoughts and had just as many destructive behaviors.   It’s impossible to change all of that over night.  i can’t do it and I don’t expect him to.  I don’t have all of the answers.  I would like to.  But I know that what we were doing is driving a huge stake in the middle of our marriage and it is literally sucking the life out of us.  I have never been more emotionally drained.  I can’t tell you a time in my life where I’ve been so defeated.  And I’m not sure even his darkest of war days were as bad as this.  And that is saying a lot.  Now those are my words, not his, so I might not be accurate.  But I do know he’s been through an awful lot and the sacrifice has been tremendous.

I’d do anything to take it all away.  I can see him.  I can see who he wants to be.  I can see it.  I can hear it sometimes.  But I can’t feel it.  It’s so thick that he can’t see through it.  I wish I knew what it was.  I just want him to be happy.  Happy with his life.  Why is this so hard???

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