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To say I am in a paralyzing fog these days is an under statement.

Yes, my husband had an affair.  With the work wife I’ve hated for years.  Puke.

Yes, I was having emotional affairs.  Nothing physical.  But I didn’t have the opportunity.

I’ve committed myself to God and to my marriage months ago.  My posts prove that.

I am continuing to do that.  It’s very fucking hard.  Very hard.

I am pushing the devil out of my head so often that I feel like that is all I do some days.

We are trying to figure out what to do.  I’ve told him I want to give us an honest shot.  At least we’d know we really tried.  We owe that to ourselves and we owe it to our children.

Friday night we drank some wine.  We talked and it was awful.  I cried a lot.  I craved his touch.  Craved it like I never have.  We went to bed.  I told him I needed physical touch in my next relationship.  It was of most importance to me.  I wasn’t an option.  He told me he did love me.  I think he has a funny way of showing that.  He pulled me in close to him.  I fell asleep in his arms.  I felt right.  Damn him.

We woke up.  He pulled me in close again.  I was in a t-shirt and underwear.  I felt so right in his arms.  I could feel his muscles.  I could feel his touch.  I could feel him through his shorts against my butt.  It felt incredible.  My head was so conflicted.  I’m not supposed to want him sexually right now.  I couldn’t help it.  I pushed against him.  He resisted against me.  I could feel him get bigger.  He pushed against me.  Why??  Why is this happening??  I could no longer control my heavy breathing because I just wanted him.  My head was losing the battle of not wanting him.  Arms & legs started moving.  Hands found their way to all of our familiar parts yet they seemed so foreign.  We’ve always had a very vanilla sex life.  Nothing adventurous.  I have always hated it.  I kept my back to him.  I let him explore me without looking at him.  It felt so good.  I didn’t understand it.  I still don’t.  It wasn’t long and we were naked and he was exploring areas he hasn’t touched in so long.  I was giving him part of me that he has been given in a long time.  It felt wrong.  It felt too good to be wrong.  While I kept my back to him I let him enter me and we had some of the most intimate sex we’ve had in so long that I don’t even remember.  It wasn’t like this huge emotional connection but it was the most fulfilling.  As we both finished we realized it was different.  Good.  Different.  But still good.

We didn’t talk about it.  As our day started I found myself wanting to rip his clothes off of him.  I told him this.  He laughed.  We were still both conflicted about this.

Saturday evening came and the kids were all in bed.  We started talking but I was so tired of talking about us and saying the same things over and over again I almost refused.  I wanted to talk about something deeper.  We started but he’s still holding his heart a bit high.  As our conversation started to turn towards us again we both decided it wasn’t necessary & to just enjoy a night off.  He’s preparing for a very big work event.  It’s 2 weeks long.  It’s complicated and the work wife is involved.  To say the tension is high is an understatement.  The stress was oozing out of him and I couldn’t handle it any longer. He got up to do something and I arranged myself in his recliner in a position to give him a head massage.  I always used to do it.  He was surprised.  I started & I knew I wanted him all over again.  We’ve had sex all of 3 times this year… total.  There was no way it was happening again.  Especially since we both felt so conflicted.  It wasn’t long and we were both exhausted & decided to go to bed.  He asked if I wanted to still squeeze his head.  I agreed.  I made my way to his shoulders.  I pushed & rubbed my way through is musclur back.  I made my way lower to his hips & arms & hands.  It drove him wild.  I drove me wild.  We ended up naked and having some of the same amazing fulfilling sex we had in that morning. Seriously….  he started to talk about it.  I know he doesn’t want to give me the wrong impression & he’s terrified to hurt me again but I am not going to over think this.  I crave his touch and his closeness.  I long for him to wrap me up in his arms.  I can’t help but being incredibly turned on when he does it.  I’ve wanted this for so long.  It’s right in front of me and with my own husband.  There is nothing wrong with this.  Literally.  We woke up this morning.  I wrapped myself around him.  He again asked about the conflicted sex feeling.  He purposely turned so my hand was on top of his already hard penis.  Off came the shorts & panties and we were at it again.  It was interrupted by the sounds of little feet running down the hallway.  We arranged some cartoons and the door was locked and we ended up finishing up.  It was off.  We felt too familiar.  Sort of disappointing.  We both felt it but didn’t talk about it.  I wanted to but realized it wasn’t the time.  Not really how I wanted to end our sexcapade.  But….  we had sex 3 times in 24 hours.  That doubles the amount we’ve had in 3 months.  So…… yeah…..  What the fuck.