It’s been a while. March 5, 2015 will forever be a hated day. My husband admitted an affair that day. With his work wife. Of which I suspected for a very long time although the physical part of the affair was only a year. And even then it was on and off.
Now… we are still trying to sort out the damages. He decided to choose me and our marriage. To try and make it work. He has told her she needed to find a new job. He gave her a deadline. We made progress in figuring out who we were and how we got to where we are as well as what might need to happen in the future. He’s been honest with me regarding his feelings for her. Best that can be described right now as regressing although he cares enough about her not to want to cause her any more harm and those feelings are not what a married man should be feeling towards another woman. It hurts. A lot. The deadline for her job search is approaching and he has since said he refuses to push her out the door with no job or means to support her family. She is the breadwinner and although her husband works there is no way for them to survive on one income. However she has not tried very hard to find a job and is relying on his “good nature” to allow her to continue working there while pretending to find a job. And his is doing just that. This is not working out for me in the least.
I have very few people that i’ve been able to talk to about this. The very first person I told about this was my doctor. Odd? Yes. But he’s the first person I went to when I realized my marriage was in grave danger. Why? I don’t know. I very much respect the man. He is a wonderful doctor, who has gone far out of his way for me in the past. And not because I’m anybody super special, but because he cares for his patients. He’s very much married to his job. It’s caused him grief in his marriage and with his family. He’s a good Christian man who is very principled. I admire that about him. He has to really work hard at maintaining a balance and I respect that so much.
I first told him of my troubles in December 2014. He referred me to a therapist who might help. My husband and I started seeing her shortly thereafter. He asked me a time or two after a few weeks how things were going. I responded but hopeful and he never really asked for more. It was 3 weeks after our last text exchange that I learned of the affair. That very next morning I text him with the news. He was devastated. He offered to help in any way he could. He knows me. He knows my husband. She is a patient of his. I’ve just involved him in a very personal matter.
Fast forward to today. I haven’t text or spoken to him since that day. I needed some medical advice and just don’t have the time to make an appointment for something non urgent. I text him my issue out of no where. He called me today.
His voice was so reassuring. It’s the instant comfort you feel as if your mother is calling to tell you it’s going to be OK. I was so relieved to hear from him. He instantly asked how things were going. He let me vent. He offered very little. He was in an office with lots of people around him. But the words he did say were so humbling that I almost started crying knowing he had my back. He asked questions and I responded. I about puked out every word because I was so relieved that he cared. Why? Why? Why?
He told me he prays for me. Not every day; but he hits me up at least once a week. I laughed. I told him about the therapist he sent me to and how disorganized she was. He laughed because that’s what he likes about her. Mr. Organized and disciplined likes chaos?!! He’s answer was, “I like her because she’s not me. At all….” Right there. That phrase stuck in my head all damn day. How better to see yourself, than through another person who is absolutely nothing like you. Seriously.
At the end of our conversation he wished me well and said to let him know if there is anything at all that I need. I want to believe that he means that.
All day I thought about his words. I thought about everything he said and wished more than ever that he could really tell me what he was thinking. I wished there was no oath that he took that prevented his honesty. How could an almost stranger be so comforting to me??
So I did it. I sent him a text thanking him for helping me out and for asking how I was. I also said I knew why he wouldn’t offer me an opinion, both professionally & personally, but if he ever wanted to do so it would be received in confidence and with the much respect. He didn’t respond. I didn’t expect him to. I’m certain he never will. But I wanted him to know that he had that option. I may have just destroyed a friendship that shouldn’t have happened in the first place. I’m not okay with that but I understand it and can accept it. On the other hand I really believe that putting myself out there like that was a huge step for me in regards to my trust of other people. It’s a daily struggle and if I don’t ever take a risk and do it, I will never know the bond that such a trust can form. I have to be willing to feel hurt from the times that it just doesn’t work out to appreciate it when it really does.
Ugh….. why does life have to be so darn hard???