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According to my last post I really put myself out there to a man that has been of great support to me in this mess.  Yet he’s someone I barely know and he’s also my doctor.  Yesterday I had a visit with him.  (No, he never responded to my text letting him know I was good with his opinion and that it would be held in tight confidence. )  While he apologized for not texting me back he decided to speak his response.  It was one of the most heart felt conversations I’ve ever had.  I have never had anyone open up to me in a way that he did.  Never.  I’m not sure I’ve ever opened up to anyone like he did.  And I’m his patient.  Now, if you are thinking it was some sort of unethical conversation that was wrong in anyway, that thought should leave your mind instantly.  I would record it’s in its entirety and replay it for my husband and anyone around if I had to.  It was nothing but honest feelings towards the people involved in my marriage and infidelity as well as how God is working in our lives.  The entire visit was amazing to me.  I am in tears thinking of how grateful I am to have him in my life.  It’s an odd relationship.  Probably violates something somewhere.  But it is not bad.

I’ve always had strong respect for male role models.  I’ve always wanted one.  I’ve longed for the attention of men.  Times past had me seeking it in sexual ways because they are most easily responsive to that.  The very recent past has changed that for me.  Even in regards to my own husband.  I don’t feel the need to get his attention through sex.  We just are not there with each other.  I finally feel that I want his attention because he sees a beautiful person on the inside.

I am very blessed to have this man in my life and I’ll repeat it over and over again.  He has the words I need to continue being a good Christian wife and mother.  I can only hope that my husband can see the changes and accept them for himself.  But in the end I do know that it’s all in God’s hands.  If this isn’t meant to be after I’ve turned my life to him, then something better is up ahead.  It’s that part that I’ll keep in my mind to help with the heartache and grief if we need to separate.  I do love my husband.

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