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7 months post D Day.  How has this much time gone by.  It feels like yesterday yet it feels like I’ve been living this way for years.

I think I’ve read every blog, every book, every quote, every single thing on this planet that is written in the English language regarding infidelity and falling out of love and trying to rebuild a marriage.  They all start and end the same.  They start with a couple married for 5-10 years, a few kids and one day they wake up realizing they don’t love their spouse like they should and one of them has an affair.  They come clean with their spouse and they then decide what to do about it.  They go to counseling and 3 years later they are happier than ever.  Here’s what they did…. and if I do it, my relationship will turn out that same way.  So the books go on to highlight how to have a good marriage.  All of the same crap you read day in and day out.  Choose to love your spouse.  Make sure they know they are valued and appreciated.  Go out of your way to make their day great once and a while.  Get away together.  Go on dates.  Make love in a new place or position.  Take a vacation.

OK… great.  But what happens when you aren’t quite there yet??  I have yet to find a book on that.  What happens when you are still trying to figure out how to trust and live and make it through the days together while still trying to parent your three kids?  How do you navigate the bedroom?  What about morning bathroom routines?  What about family weekends that you usually take?  What about how to talk about your relationship and the mess that usually comes from all of that?  What about the fallouts, the miscommunications, the nights spent sleeping on the floor in another room, the pushing the mistress out of the picture when she holds a vital role in the company you own.  Where are the damn books on this??  Why doesn’t anyone want to talk about the day to day minutia that gets you from point A to point B?  Well probably because it all sucks.  And if you were to read about my days you would probably be just as depressed as I am some times.  Guess that doesn’t make for a great book, huh?!?

We are two people who do not know how to navigate each other emotionally any longer.  We have some super characteristics in our marriage that many others lack.  We share a life of 90% happiness, even after he shattered my heart.  What we lack is the passion, trust and vulnerability that comes very easy to a lot of people.  We are trying to figure out if it’s possible to get that back.  Going on dates right now seem forced and un-natural.  Sex is sex and physically fulfilling but without passion it’s just sex.  There is no touching other than that.  And even that isn’t very often.   It’s hard.

I hate what he’s done to our marriage.  But at the same time I have to let it go.  I am on a building with an infinite number of stories.  I have to get down.  I can either take the stairs and divorce him or I can jump.  I have to trust he is going to do the absolute best & right thing for me and us and our family.  I feel like I’ve already jumped.  I’m leaving behind me the affairs from us both (his both physical & emotional and mine just emotional) and starting over.  Can he do the same???