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I’m not taking the time I need to take every morning to meditate and focus my energy on doing God’s work and renewing my mind.  When this happens every trigger eats away at me as if the devil himself is enjoying a nice little snack… compliments of my head.

We had a wonderful day so far.  We walked all over our land.  OUR land.  We marked sugar maple trees so we can tap them in the spring and make our own maple syrup.  We had a great time as a family.  Came home.  Ate lunch.  Shared more laughs together.  Saw a deer tick crawling on my husbands neck.  Pulled it off.  He jumped in the shower & asked me to check his back to see if there were any more.  I see red scratches on his back.  Presumably from him itching something.

Flashback…..  I used to check his neck & shoulders for marks all the time suspecting him of cheating.  All.the.time.  Without him knowing of course.  Not all that long before he told me of the affair I noticed a small hicky.  I stared at it trying to convince myself that wasn’t it.  I thought of the week prior & there was a time when he was out of town and once again I never got a call.  I was abandoned.  Silent.  I never said a damn word.  How I HATE myself for never saying anything.  Anger.  So much anger.  To this very day I’ve never said anything about that.  I know he’ll deny it.  I know he’ll be mad.  I know it’s not there anymore so there is nothing I can do or say.  So I’ll just continue to be silent.

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