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Last night my oldest daughter (almost 8) was talking about how it’s sometimes hard to fall asleep.  She says her brain just won’t shut off.  Naturally I asked what she thinks about and I was shocked by what she said.  “Mom, I think about the future.  I think about what I can do when I grow up and what my passions are.  I think about the places you talk about taking me.  I think about the fun I will have…..” and she went on for a while.  I was thrilled to hear her little curious mind is exploring these concepts.  I told my husband about it when he got home.  He never said a whole lot about it but thought it was encouraging that she’s on a good healthy path right now and the young age of almost 8.

We are in the unknown place yet.  He has major decisions to make in the next few months that greatly impact our family.  I’ve asked to discuss them and he just blows it off.  He’s going to be gone for the better part of the next month.  By choice.  I’m not real thrilled but it’s what he wants to do.  His office is in shambles and he complains non-stop about how he has nothing and no one to count on there.  Yet it appears he doesn’t do anything about it.  I asked this morning for a time to discuss our future as it pertains to our professional goals as I said I don’t know what his are and I have some of my own and you know…. family’s, husbands, wives, couples…..  you know they sort of need to talk about this stuff so everyone is working together towards a common goal.  It doesn’t pay for us to be running in opposite directions right?!?!???

I mentioned that I needed to restart my professional life again.  He said it was a good idea but never once asked what I wanted to do.  Never once asked about it, mentioned it or anything.  Just completely blew it off.

I can’t tell if I’m more sad, disappointed or angry right now.  Everything I do has his best interests in mind.  Every damn thing.  Need I remind you that HE is the one who had the affair. HE is the one who risked everything for nothing but himself.

I was once an almost 8 year old girl, laying in bed at night and dreaming of what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I hope my daughters are much stronger and have a better sense of who they are before they find a man they want to call their husband.  I want them to be able to stand on their own two feet and go after their dreams and not become the dumping ground for whatever is thrown at them.  It’s such a hard place to pull yourself from.  I’m working on it.  I still have dreams I want to chase.