Today was filled with so much anxiety, I hardly had control of myself.
I told him if he didn’t set a date, I would. I said I was done with his dependence on her and the stress it puts on my body and everything else relating to her. There is no good reason for her existence in our life and if he is too scared to do anything about it, well, I’m going to.
We’ve been getting along great since that awful and horribly sad conversation. He’s trying. Really trying. One night while I was out with the kids attending one of their events, he was home. He folded all of the laundry and put it all away. Or at least all that he knew where it went. That has never happened. He’s helped with dishes and clean up and everything in between. He’s said thank you to me and has verbally told me he appreciates what I do for him. This was very important to me. While up at deer camp with his best USMC friend and his father, he called me by name and thanked me for making dinner and all of their food for the week. In front of everyone. Again, never happened before. I am caught so off guard it’s hard to hide it and almost hard to accept it. But I do. I let him know.
After telling him that I love him enough. I do. I love him enough to continue to love him each day. It’s not a country music song. It’s not some passionate, sexy rock ballad. It’s the freakin’ real love that is felt by honest emotions. It sucks as much as it’s beautiful. It’s the farthest thing from perfect love. Most days it feels like the worst love I could possibly have. It hurts worse than anything I’ve every experienced. But I guess that is what makes it real. If it didn’t hurt as much as it feels good, it wouldn’t be real.
And I ponder all of this as I continue to fight God every day. Asking if this is indeed the right way to go. Every day that I’ve asked, every day it seems to be. i want so much to be rid of the cancer that she is. I want it mostly because it’s the right thing to do. But a giant part of me wants to give in again. It’s easier that way. Not for me. But for him. I wonder if that is why I’m being called to continue. It’s so hard. It’s so hard to have him try so hard and it be over shadowed by this dependence on her to do work. F’n work. There is no value for my family. I can’t put a price on us. Having her there means there is a price tag and we are purchased by her. I just can’t do it.
Until then…. I’m going to love him enough. I tell him that. When I say I love you, it means I love you enough for all of the reasons I’ve already told you. It means no more right now and no less. And it’s enough for me. So I tell him I love him. And he tells me he loves me too. But mostly because I understand what that love is for him. It’s not a fairy tale love like he fears it needs to be. It’s enough love and that’s enough for right now.