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I’ve been quiet about his affair.  Up until recently, only a very few close friends knew the whole story.  I was too ashamed.  My pride was too high to let anyone know I was “second choice” (though, he says that is not how he would describe that).  She’s a freaking wreck for God’s sake.  She’s messed up in every definition of the word.  There is only one way to beat crazy and that is the let crazy beat herself.  She’s winning 😉

I’m tired.  Tired of living behind this secret in the midst of our separation.

I don’t need to tell people to gain friends.  Because, honestly, if an affair makes you my friend, I don’t want to be friends.  I don’t want to hurt anyone.  Well, that’s not true… I would love to inflict every ounce of pain to her mostly.  But he needs it too.  (Secretly that kills me.  I see his hurt.  I don’t want him to hurt any more.)  He’s never felt the professional consequences of this, only the personal.  And to be honest, I think the professional is worse for him.

I’ve made it known.  I cried typing the words to a mutual friend and former co-worker of his.  But I did it.  I knew she would blab it all over the legal community within weeks.  I knew she was the conduit to make it all known and start us on the road to finality.

I wasn’t prepared to hear what the greater professional community had to say.  Of course they know “her” and they are not surprised because she’s a master manipulator and her divorce is a gossip item (she doesn’t want to pay her ex-husband a dime.)  Her reputation and the news of the affair are of no surprise.  The affair with my husband, a very well respected man of integrity in the community… well….  that’s another story.  He’s a bit vane so for some it’s hilarious that HE is just as low as the rest of them (because up until this I only knew of one lawyer that did not sleep around).  Now he’s among the ranks of the rest of the pigs around here.  To others they are in utter shock because of “her” reputation and how little respect she actually has within the community.

Yet, I continue to pray for the reunion of my family.  Why?  Because I fully believe that is how God created us.  I fully believe that is God’s way.  Marriage. Work through your shit and remain whole.  Separation????  Yes, that is necessary sometimes and it’s OK.  But to divorce in this situation doesn’t seem biblical.

I realize the bible excuses divorce in the instance of adultery.  But…  I don’t feel as though I can use this excuse as he is very remorseful and to a large extent redemptive.  However…  he has an awe of self problem and his addiction to financial security prevent us from being together.  I feel, as a wife, I am required to stand by him and honor and respect him no matter what.  He’s asked for God’s forgiveness and whether I like it or not, he’s going to get it.  That’s the wonderful gift of God’s mercy.  So I feel it is also my part to honor that gift he received and work to move on.  With him. And the kids.  As a family.  What I don’t know, is if protecting him is/was right or wrong?  I think to be fully made new we need to make known the entire deal….  the affair.  Also, that seems to be a friendship gauge so that’s good to know!!  But really, it matters little, what I WANT to do.  If I am going to live according to God’s will I need to do what Jesus would do and forgive him, allow God’s gift of mercy and grace and move on.  Separate if he’s unwilling to live according to the word and pray and pray and pray.  Pray God opens is eyes and heart to accept that gift and to feel the honor and respect I am giving him.

He’s not happy with it.  He doesn’t feel he deserves it.  But he gets it whether he wants it or not.  It’s a gift and it’s already his.  He tells me to do whatever is right for me.  My response is always the same, “I will do what is required in the bible and I will fulfill my duties as a wife until the day I’m no longer a wife.” And I’m sure if I know me, that won’t stop me from being a wife.  I can be a real sadistical bitch when my head brings me back to 2014/2015 but I am getting pretty good at praying before any major interactions.  I will always revert to being a wife.  But a good wife this time.