Hoping for Progress

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It’s been a strange few days.  Good I think.  Maybe not.  Last week I had lunch with my sister-in-law.  She works for my husband.  I’ve had a sense of a shift in something at the office but I don’t have any concrete reasoning for any of it.  Just noticed a shift.  My sister-in-law alluded to the same thoughts I had.  I didn’t bring it up.  She’s very easily biased and swayed in her beliefs.  I decided to keep my thoughts to myself.  My husband had lunch with his mother.  I talked to her not long after for something and she also had some of these similar thoughts.  I opened up a small amount but not much in saying I was thinking something similar but had no reason for it.

I am getting a sense that the plans are continuing to move the mistress/work wife on to other things.  Which means getting her ass out of that office and in to a different job where she can latch on to someone else & destroy their lives.  It’s just a feeling I’ve been getting and now my sister-in-law and mother-in-law are sensing the same.  I’ve not mentioned anything to my husband nor will I.

Late in the week last week he was feeling very down.  He said he was struggling.  I don’t feel like I am doing enough to encourage him but at the same time he’s made it clear that I need to back out of his business and let him run it.  So I’m not sure how to be there for him, when he clearly needs it, yet still back off.  So I told him as such.  “I don’t feel like I’m being a very encouraging wife.  I’m not trying to fix what you are struggling with but I just feel like I am being forced to be in adequate.  I am doing my best to be respectful of the boundary you put in place.  If you do want to talk about any of it or vent, know that I am available to you.  I’m just trying to carry out your wishes.”  At first he was defensive and saying that I was trying to fix him.  I reassured him I was not trying to fix him.  I was just saying that if he was wanting to talk about any of it but didn’t because I didn’t bring it up, it’s because I doing what he asked.  He gave a small “huh…” almost as if trying to understand and we left it at that.

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Free Will

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Since my dramatic encounter with an alcoholic suicidal father, many thoughts have run across the ticker tape in my head.  So many things he said during his rage that are so conflicting.  I can see a soul begging for someone to understand him.  I can see a soul regretting mistakes of the past and just wanting to move on.  I can see foolish pride ruling his mind and overthrowing every logical thought.

I just finished watching, “Gods Not Dead” this week.  There are some thoughts I had on some of the points of the movie.  And I also find it pretty awesome that I’ve had to encounter these same questions the week prior.  I probably should have made it more of a priority to watch the movie last week so I would have actually had an answer!

Regardless….  The number one statement I hear when talking about God is “Why does he let bad things happen to good people?”  “Why does childhood cancer even exist?”  “How can God allow these wars to go on and ISIS to behead people?”  You get the picture.  I’ve always known the answer to that.  Two words:  Free will.

God gives people the ability to choose.  God is not controlling.  God allows people to go about their day and doesn’t interject himself in their life if they don’t want him there.

One of the parts of the movie has a very successful young man sitting in the room with his mother who has dementia.  He says something like, “You’ve been perfect your entire life.  You served your God and done nothing wrong.  But now look at you.  You are in a home with no memory of anything you’ve ever had.  And then there is me.  I am so great & successful and my life is absolutely perfect….”  Her response went something like this, “You are in that place right now because that is where the devil wants you.  He knows when you fail you will turn to God and he does not want that. ….”

This very scene reminded me of my husband.  The year of his affair was his best year professionally.  He has made the most money and had the best year financially.  He was on top of the world and his mistress at his side.

It’s hard to come down from that.  It’s hard to give that up. But it was truly the work of the devil.  He is now living with the fallout from those decisions.  Every decision he made was for all of the wrong reasons.  It’s so hard to see that if your life is “perfect”.  Especially when you start making the right decisions and it seems as if they are the worst.  The pain and suffering and the loss from doing the right thing now is terribly hard for him.  But this isn’t the work of God.  God is not making his life miserable because he wants him to continue to pay for his actions.  God is not controlling his clients or his other co-workers trying to make his life miserable.  For the first time, he is able to see the world through clear eyes and that is the work of God.  He is living in the wake of years of decisions made for the wrong reasons.  It’s terrible and horrible to watch.  So many days I wish he didn’t have to do it because I hate to see him in pain.  Yet he needs to go through it.  There are many days yet when he fights it all.  He fights it and wants to go back to the time where he felt like he owned the world.  And I know in a heartbeat Miss Thing would step back up on the pedestal and go through it all again just to be with him.

If I could only tell him that it will work out.  It will get better.  Keep pushing your way through the mess.   Keep on praying for help.  Just because you abandoned God in your power hungry trip to the top doesn’t mean he won’t accept your call for help.  He will help you through this.  All of this.  You just need to ask for his help and learn to forgive yourself.  You don’t have to carry the burden of it all.  Let God lift some of it off your shoulders and lighten your heart.  And after you do, make the decisions for the right reasons.  Use your talents for good.  Let the success you draw from that be celebrated but let it be known that it wasn’t of your own doing.  You did it while keeping God first.

It’s free will that all of this is possible.  God isn’t forcing forgiveness or mercy or grace on anyone.  All you have to do is ask.  Free will.

Best in the Worst Time

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After a few rough days….. then this happened.

The last warm day of the year was yesterday.  Beautiful fall colors every where.  My husband left to go hunting.  The kids and I played outside.  We created a giant leaf maze.  So much fun!

My father is an alcoholic.  Has been for years.  At least 30.  Probably more.  My mother is naive and speechless.  She drinks too but not as much.  I’ve noticed a shift with them in these last 6 months.  I can’t quite put my finger on it.  Or couldn’t until yesterday.  He’s done this before, I’ve never witnessed it.  I’ve always rescued my mother from what must be a terrible horror of your husband threatening suicide.  Multiple times.  But this time was different.  I’ve noticed the shift and complete unpleasantness between them in the last week.

Yesterday afternoon while playing with my children I receive a phone call from my father’s cellphone.  He is incredibly drunk.  He mumbled through some words and best I could make out was that him and my mom got into a huge argument.  He never calls me about these.  Never.  He was sad and angry.  He told me he loved me and he loved the kids so much.  Then he hung up.  I called my brother.  He got the call too.  I tried to call my mother.  She didn’t answer.  I knew where my father was and decided I needed to go.  He was not at home so that meant he was going to drive some place at some time if he didn’t pull the trigger.

I text my husband to come home as I needed to deal with a drunk suicidal father.  As mentioned earlier this has happened before and my husband gets rather angry.  I suspected that I would receive some flack from him about pulling him out of the deer stand on a nice afternoon.  But without a question he came home.  He continued the game with the kids and off I went.  I didn’t have to tell him what to make for supper, what to do with the kids and when.  Nothing.  I didn’t have to tell him when I’d be home.  Nothing.  I just left.

After a night of having a loaded pistol thrown around in my face, none of which was intentional, and a whole lot of honest conversation with my mother that was LONG overdue, I came home.  I got my father to put down his loaded weapon.  I got my mother to stop talking to him.  I got him to bed.  I made sure she was safe.  My brother removed the pistol from the property.  I came home.

In the middle of this mess I received a text from my husband saying he fed the kids, they all at well, they were all showered with PJs on and watching a movie before bed.  My heart was happy for him.  Happy for my kids.  Thankful for us.

I came home to a glass of wine sitting on the table next to the couch.  All dishes done, lunches packed for the next day, clothes picked out, & school assignments ready to go.  All I needed to do was change my clothes and unwind from a horrific night.

No questions asked.  Nothing assumed and no expectations.  It meant the absolute world to me.  And then this morning after being awake for half of the night, squeezed me tight.  I did ask for it.  But he didn’t hesitate.  He didn’t sigh.  He just did it.  I needed that.

Triggers Triggers Everywhere

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I’m not taking the time I need to take every morning to meditate and focus my energy on doing God’s work and renewing my mind.  When this happens every trigger eats away at me as if the devil himself is enjoying a nice little snack… compliments of my head.

We had a wonderful day so far.  We walked all over our land.  OUR land.  We marked sugar maple trees so we can tap them in the spring and make our own maple syrup.  We had a great time as a family.  Came home.  Ate lunch.  Shared more laughs together.  Saw a deer tick crawling on my husbands neck.  Pulled it off.  He jumped in the shower & asked me to check his back to see if there were any more.  I see red scratches on his back.  Presumably from him itching something.

Flashback…..  I used to check his neck & shoulders for marks all the time suspecting him of cheating.  All.the.time.  Without him knowing of course.  Not all that long before he told me of the affair I noticed a small hicky.  I stared at it trying to convince myself that wasn’t it.  I thought of the week prior & there was a time when he was out of town and once again I never got a call.  I was abandoned.  Silent.  I never said a damn word.  How I HATE myself for never saying anything.  Anger.  So much anger.  To this very day I’ve never said anything about that.  I know he’ll deny it.  I know he’ll be mad.  I know it’s not there anymore so there is nothing I can do or say.  So I’ll just continue to be silent.

Unstable Control Freak

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I find myself getting so angry at this whole mess…. more and more.  I woke up angry today because my future is so unknown and after some discussion I found out it’s even more unstable.  And it’s not all because of our rocky marriage.  He needs to make some very significant decisions and it has a huge impact on our family.  Huge.

I don’t feel safe in his decision making ability.  I don’t feel like he sees the entire picture.  I don’t feel like he is going to include me in this decision at all.  He’s going to make this decision based solely on himself and we will have to deal with whatever it is.  I am not comfortable with that.  I don’t believe for a second that is how any of this should be.

The reality is we are not very far into it so there is the chance that he is still trying to organize his thoughts before he brings me into it.  I think what scares me the most is that he has so much on his plate and he doesn’t have a single person to bounce any of this off of.

I feel like if I had a giant white board to make sure he has it all down and has thought of everything that I’d feel better about this.  I hate feeling so unstable and having little control over it.  My inner control freak is screaming right now.

Being Still. Watching the Destruction.

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He came home.  We parented our children.  We put them to bed.  We had wine.  He was quite perturbed about something.  But since we don’t talk about it for now I’ll never know what exactly.  I did ask but I did not get an answer.  We talked about other things instead.  The more wine, the calmer I got.  I thought for sure it would be the opposite.

This morning we woke up together.  Both quite turned on.  I struggled.  But I managed and it was pretty darn good sex.  Different than usual but in a good way.

Next comes real life again.  In to work he goes.  Mistress there and all.  I hate every day he goes to work.  I hate every day he sees her & has to communicate with her.  He says the vast majority of it is work related.  Very little personal stuff but never about the two of them.  I want to believe that.  I really do.  I’m trying.  But it’s incredibly hard.

All in all a better day.  I feel better.  I am trying to get some volunteer work in at a local hospital.  Child Life Services has always been a passion of mine.  They are accepting volunteers for next year so I’m going to get my foot in the door.  He doesn’t like that at all but I’m going to do it anyway.  It’s for me.  I never do anything for me.  It’s always for him and the kids.  Always.

So today I’ll focus on what it takes to be a better me again.  Those are always the best days.  I let him struggle.  I watch.  It’s so painful and difficult and unnatural for me.  But I do it.  With every text & phone call & email he sends my way of more and more difficulty at the office, I’ll remain supportive but silent.  It’s his office.  His people.  He’s made it clear he doesn’t want me involved.  So back I’ll stand and watch it all crumble because he’s too stubborn to accept that his mistress is causing the foundation to crumble.  It’s so hard.

Today I Want To Be Done

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Pretty much.  Six words that sum it all up today.

Today I wish we were separated.  Today I wish he wasn’t coming home tonight even though he was gone last night.  Today I want to tell the world what he did to me and our family.  Today I want his entire professional career to be knicked at the very least by his poor and selfish decisions.  Today I want her to have a harder time looking her kids in the eye.  Today I want her kids to hate her a little bit more.  Today I want my kids to show him how disappointed they are.

I am just done.  Today.  Perhaps tomorrow will be different.  It doesn’t change the fact that in 5 hours or so he’ll walk through the door and I’ll have to put on a show…  If I could only disappear before that happens.

Leave the Past in the Past

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Apparently there are some marriages that have things they just can’t talk about.  There are events that occur within the marriage and for whatever reason the couple just can not discuss this event safely.  They understand the points or direction of the other spouse but do not agree with it.  They both want to move on.  They both own whatever stake they had in the past event but there is no “resolution” or compromise or anything.  It just is what it is.  There is no taking back what happened.  There is no un-doing of the past.  You just have to accept it for what it is and move on.  And this actually works for a lot of people.  I’m sure as time passes it gets easier.  Or maybe I hope this is the case.

Most days I find this comforting.  At the same time I hate that it seems as though we are going to pretend it didn’t happen.  There are no consequences for our actions.  I hate that.  It’s a constant struggle because I feel like I’m paying for it the most.  At the end of the day if I really try hard to put the pieces together I know that it’s more even than I feel.  But more often than not I don’t want to try that hard.

The Middle Mess

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7 months post D Day.  How has this much time gone by.  It feels like yesterday yet it feels like I’ve been living this way for years.

I think I’ve read every blog, every book, every quote, every single thing on this planet that is written in the English language regarding infidelity and falling out of love and trying to rebuild a marriage.  They all start and end the same.  They start with a couple married for 5-10 years, a few kids and one day they wake up realizing they don’t love their spouse like they should and one of them has an affair.  They come clean with their spouse and they then decide what to do about it.  They go to counseling and 3 years later they are happier than ever.  Here’s what they did…. and if I do it, my relationship will turn out that same way.  So the books go on to highlight how to have a good marriage.  All of the same crap you read day in and day out.  Choose to love your spouse.  Make sure they know they are valued and appreciated.  Go out of your way to make their day great once and a while.  Get away together.  Go on dates.  Make love in a new place or position.  Take a vacation.

OK… great.  But what happens when you aren’t quite there yet??  I have yet to find a book on that.  What happens when you are still trying to figure out how to trust and live and make it through the days together while still trying to parent your three kids?  How do you navigate the bedroom?  What about morning bathroom routines?  What about family weekends that you usually take?  What about how to talk about your relationship and the mess that usually comes from all of that?  What about the fallouts, the miscommunications, the nights spent sleeping on the floor in another room, the pushing the mistress out of the picture when she holds a vital role in the company you own.  Where are the damn books on this??  Why doesn’t anyone want to talk about the day to day minutia that gets you from point A to point B?  Well probably because it all sucks.  And if you were to read about my days you would probably be just as depressed as I am some times.  Guess that doesn’t make for a great book, huh?!?

We are two people who do not know how to navigate each other emotionally any longer.  We have some super characteristics in our marriage that many others lack.  We share a life of 90% happiness, even after he shattered my heart.  What we lack is the passion, trust and vulnerability that comes very easy to a lot of people.  We are trying to figure out if it’s possible to get that back.  Going on dates right now seem forced and un-natural.  Sex is sex and physically fulfilling but without passion it’s just sex.  There is no touching other than that.  And even that isn’t very often.   It’s hard.

I hate what he’s done to our marriage.  But at the same time I have to let it go.  I am on a building with an infinite number of stories.  I have to get down.  I can either take the stairs and divorce him or I can jump.  I have to trust he is going to do the absolute best & right thing for me and us and our family.  I feel like I’ve already jumped.  I’m leaving behind me the affairs from us both (his both physical & emotional and mine just emotional) and starting over.  Can he do the same???

A New Journey

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Praying.  Trying to be a better person.  Forgetting to listen.  Mind races a million miles a minute.  Trying to understand.  Trying to make sense.  I want the solution to start now.  I want movement.   Please, Lord, just make her go away out of my life.  Please give him the power to remove her so we can see what we might look like.

Listen.  Read all the readings in the world.  Search fervently for it all.  Read it all.  Think about it all.  Be a good person.  Do. Do. Do. Do it all.  Try all new things.  Try it all.  Interject yourself in every situation to make it better.  It is your responsibility to make sure he knows how to find what is in his heart.  He is not capable to doing it himself yet.  He’s too paralyzed by pain and indecision.  You must do it.  It’s your job.

Wake up.  Work out.  Read.  Pray.  When did you stop praying?  When did you read all day and not take time to pray?  Pray…. will you?  Why aren’t you praying?  Of course you don’t know what you are supposed to do, you aren’t praying?  You stopped asking for help.  This must mean you know what to do.  Foolish girl.  You don’t know anything.  Pray.  Pray again and again and again and again.  After your prayer…. STOP.  Stop your mind from working.  Listen.  Listen to everything around you.  Don’t think.  Just listen.  Stop your mind from working when that trigger sound or smell or sight comes.  Just stop.  Listen.  Close your eyes and hear sounds you’ve never heard.  Don’t think about it.  Just listen.

I woke up.  I worked out.  I read.  I prayed.  I listened.  This is what happened.  This is more for the record. Sort of a journal as I don’t want my mind to forget it.  It was so beautiful and scary.  But only scary because it was so real.

I see swirling.  I notice that I no longer hear anything.  I can only see but I know my eyes are closed.  It’s not a swirling motion I see…. it’s billowing.  Like smoke plumes.  Billowing all below me.  I can’t hear.  I can’t smell.  I can only see.  Billowing below me in every place I see.  Then it starts swirling.  But only half of it.  The rest is still billowing.  I see an intersection.  I recognize it.  It’s at the bottom of the big hill of m189 & the road that goes to Stanley Lake.  I’m confused.  Suddenly I feel like I am floating.  I realize that I’m floating above what I’m seeing.  I knew it the whole time but I never felt it.  My arms feel huge, as in long.  They feel incredibly strong.  I feel like they are so long and strong because I am either being hugged or hugging some one.  There is a difference.  I don’t see anyone.  I just have that feeling.  What am I feeling?  I feel like my arms have purpose.  I have no idea what it is.  What am I supposed to do with my arms??  Why are they so long?  What would I possibly do with arms this long besides hug a million people at once?  But who? I start to feel myself coming back to earth.  I fight it.  I want to stay where I am at.  I want to feel like this.  I want to know what I am supposed to do.  I feel that if I can stay in this place just a little longer I’ll see it.  The purpose will present itself to me.  I feel myself leaving even more.  Why can’t I stay a little while longer?  I just want to stay here.  Is there still billowing?  Where did all that smoke go?  I can barely see it.  Maybe I can’t see it at all.  Was that hell below me?  Is it being removed?  Wait….  April.  Why the month of April?  What happens in April?  Why is this month being waved in front of my face?  It’s September.  What happens in April?  I try to think about the month and it’s my anniversary.  It’s my husband’s birthday.  It will be a year since he told her to find another job.  Is he going to re-choose me in April?  Is this when he is going to leave?  Is he going to leave now and come back in April?  Is she finally going to leave in April?  What does this all mean?  I feel my final descent.  I no longer feel floating.  My arms are returning to their normal length and weight.

I have no idea what that was but it was a journey.  One I want to remember forever.  Yet I’m terrified of what I saw & felt.  All at the same time I am strangely comforted by the peace I felt while I was there.

I listened, God.  I listened.  Now what does it all mean?????  In time, it will present it self.  In time I will find it.