Praying. Trying to be a better person. Forgetting to listen. Mind races a million miles a minute. Trying to understand. Trying to make sense. I want the solution to start now. I want movement. Please, Lord, just make her go away out of my life. Please give him the power to remove her so we can see what we might look like.
Listen. Read all the readings in the world. Search fervently for it all. Read it all. Think about it all. Be a good person. Do. Do. Do. Do it all. Try all new things. Try it all. Interject yourself in every situation to make it better. It is your responsibility to make sure he knows how to find what is in his heart. He is not capable to doing it himself yet. He’s too paralyzed by pain and indecision. You must do it. It’s your job.
Wake up. Work out. Read. Pray. When did you stop praying? When did you read all day and not take time to pray? Pray…. will you? Why aren’t you praying? Of course you don’t know what you are supposed to do, you aren’t praying? You stopped asking for help. This must mean you know what to do. Foolish girl. You don’t know anything. Pray. Pray again and again and again and again. After your prayer…. STOP. Stop your mind from working. Listen. Listen to everything around you. Don’t think. Just listen. Stop your mind from working when that trigger sound or smell or sight comes. Just stop. Listen. Close your eyes and hear sounds you’ve never heard. Don’t think about it. Just listen.
I woke up. I worked out. I read. I prayed. I listened. This is what happened. This is more for the record. Sort of a journal as I don’t want my mind to forget it. It was so beautiful and scary. But only scary because it was so real.
I see swirling. I notice that I no longer hear anything. I can only see but I know my eyes are closed. It’s not a swirling motion I see…. it’s billowing. Like smoke plumes. Billowing all below me. I can’t hear. I can’t smell. I can only see. Billowing below me in every place I see. Then it starts swirling. But only half of it. The rest is still billowing. I see an intersection. I recognize it. It’s at the bottom of the big hill of m189 & the road that goes to Stanley Lake. I’m confused. Suddenly I feel like I am floating. I realize that I’m floating above what I’m seeing. I knew it the whole time but I never felt it. My arms feel huge, as in long. They feel incredibly strong. I feel like they are so long and strong because I am either being hugged or hugging some one. There is a difference. I don’t see anyone. I just have that feeling. What am I feeling? I feel like my arms have purpose. I have no idea what it is. What am I supposed to do with my arms?? Why are they so long? What would I possibly do with arms this long besides hug a million people at once? But who? I start to feel myself coming back to earth. I fight it. I want to stay where I am at. I want to feel like this. I want to know what I am supposed to do. I feel that if I can stay in this place just a little longer I’ll see it. The purpose will present itself to me. I feel myself leaving even more. Why can’t I stay a little while longer? I just want to stay here. Is there still billowing? Where did all that smoke go? I can barely see it. Maybe I can’t see it at all. Was that hell below me? Is it being removed? Wait…. April. Why the month of April? What happens in April? Why is this month being waved in front of my face? It’s September. What happens in April? I try to think about the month and it’s my anniversary. It’s my husband’s birthday. It will be a year since he told her to find another job. Is he going to re-choose me in April? Is this when he is going to leave? Is he going to leave now and come back in April? Is she finally going to leave in April? What does this all mean? I feel my final descent. I no longer feel floating. My arms are returning to their normal length and weight.
I have no idea what that was but it was a journey. One I want to remember forever. Yet I’m terrified of what I saw & felt. All at the same time I am strangely comforted by the peace I felt while I was there.
I listened, God. I listened. Now what does it all mean????? In time, it will present it self. In time I will find it.